The Recovered

The Epilogue

2009-08-15T02:25:00.000+08:00

You said you wanted to be loved
I think you wanted to be saved
Well tell me how am I supposed to save a girl like you
When I don't even know how to save myself
Wish I could just forget
The double lives
The awkwardness
A union scarred by bitterness
A house we built on top of our regrets

There we were in California
Two tarnished golden hearts
Were we ever really together
Or just afraid of being apart
I wish I could drive all night
Wake up in the harsh day light
In a different town start a brand new life
And never have to see your face again

I wonder if this spell we're under
Will ever be broken
I wonder if this spell we're under
Is ever
Ever going to end

I guess there's never any closure
Since the last look in her eyes
You said you hope that I'm happy now
We both know
Like everything that's one big fucking lie
I wish I could turn around
Erase our lives take back those vows
I guess it's not that easy now
I'll tear that fucking chapel to the ground

I wonder if this spell we're under
Will ever be broken
I wonder if this spell we're under
Is ever going to end

Today I woke up
And these leaves that are weathered
Faded and fell to the ground
Like our tired hearts

Note To You:
i'll be back to save you
once i've learnt to save myself

The Lifeline

2009-05-01T03:14:00.000+08:00

If you wish it, wish it now
If you wish it, wish it loud..
If you want it, say it now
If you want it, say it loud..

We all make mistakes;
Here's your lifeline..

If you want it, I want to..

ps: you decide what's best for you..

The Race Against Time

2009-04-27T22:43:00.003+08:00

Jump then fall
Up then down
It’s the way it’s always been
The up is short
A fleeting smile
A momentary grin
Then, the crash
Back to Earth
Left crying on the floor
The up is gone
The moment fades
The want to leap, no more
Once down, down to stay
Seems easy just to lie
Simpler to give up going up
Simpler to wait to die..

I never thought I'd do it, but 1/4 of my REMT assignment is done. Yeah.. The minus-one demo is ready. Wow.. NUFAN's Solitaire is one tough as hell song, but yeap, I've made it. So i'm left with 3 more things to do: tab down the vocals and harmonies, record every instruments plus vocal tracks in real time in studio, and finally the ultimate mixdown. Man, it feels great. I just need to keep on planning my schedules, and executing everything according to plan.

Alright.. By tomorrow, I'll have to complete my POD concept proposal as well as its Gantt chart. I just hope there won't be procrastinations to slow things down. I need all the time I can get. Time is a race.

Note To Self:
i'm getting back on track
nothing else is going to slow me down now

The Disclosure

2009-04-25T22:20:00.004+08:00

Note To You:
thank you..
..and i'm sorry.

Note To Self:
let go of the past.
the future will come in time.
now is all that matters..

The Mistake

2009-04-23T22:37:00.000+08:00

A man cannot cry if he has no more tears.
A man cannot hate if he has no more fears.
He cannot feel cold if he has no more skin.
He cannot take blame if he has no more sin.

By closing his eyes he is free of distraction.
By closing his mind he is free of attraction.
Choose not to rejoice, and he'll never regret.
Choose not to remember, he'll never forget.

If a man never sleeps, then he need not awake.
If there's nothing to fix, then there's nothing to break.
If he makes not a choice, then he'll never choose wrong.
If he gives not his voice, then he'll ruin not a song.

When things go wrong,
Sometimes the best way to keep from feeling bad
Is not to feel anything at all...
...and sometimes that's the worst thing to do.

So what would be the bigger mistake?
The situation itself?
Or how I dealt with it?

Shit. I shouldn't have came clean about it. Now I just fucking hate myself like how I hate the whole situation. Hmmm.. Bleargh.. I wish I had that Men In Black gadget that could wipe out one's memory in one single flash and then no one will ever remember what has been said and done. One snap. And that's it.

It won't be the death of me. I've been through the worst pile of shit, though this is considered a runner-up. I need to focus. I promised myself I won't fuck up this year. I promised myself I won't break that promise. Or I promise I'll hate myself even more.

Note To Self:
it will not matter.

Note To Those In Class:
do me a big favour..
just forget whatever things I said in class.
i trust you guys.
i've never begged before,
but i'll make an exception.
please?

The Second Chance

2009-04-20T23:03:00.002+08:00

I've made up my mind.. Hmmm.. After that deep comtemplation while walking back home from Causeway Point, I just decided to let things go. We're grown adults now. The huge age gap between us doesn't make a difference. We have a brain for a reason; to think what's best and execute it. I hope he's sane enough to realize what he's doing. And I hope he'll stop everything, before the cat escapes from the bag. I just can't bear to see us all break apart just because I bring up the matter. I don't wish for it to prolong, neither. Please, just think of us all..

Hmmm.. Second chances. Everyone deserves them. But then a second chance is all I can give. Blow it, and that's it.

Note To Self:
i can forgive,
i won't forget.

The Burning Question

2009-04-19T22:45:00.003+08:00

Sometimes we'd see sumthin out of the norm happen to some people, and then we'd breathe in oh so deeply and sigh and thank God we're lucky it doesn't happen to us. Hmmm.. The feeling just sucks when it happens right to our faces.

Disappointed. Devastated. Heartbroken. Full of hatred. Guilty. Disappointed. Destructive. Denial. Oh wait, have I mentioned disappointed? Yeah. Really disappointed.

Now the golden question.. WHY?? Can someone just give me one good fucking reason why it has to happen to us of all the people in this whole fucking universe?! Gahhh!

The Soundtrack To Us

2009-04-16T03:56:00.000+08:00

Speak softly, love and hold me warm against your heart
I feel your words, the tender trembling moments start
We're in a world,
Our very own,
Sharing our love that only few have ever known

Wine-colored days, warmed by the sun
Deep velvet nights, when we are one

Speak softly, love so no one hears us but the sky
The vows of love we make will live until we die
My life is yours,
And all because,
You came into my world with love so softly, love..

The Gold That Never Stay

2009-04-14T00:16:00.001+08:00

Nature's first green is gold,
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.

'Nothing Gold Can Stay' - Robert Frost

The Dirt Whispered

2009-04-13T22:47:00.000+08:00

The only shred
That still remains
Is left alone
To remain so free
That when
I return to life,
I may not
Return to nothing.

Will it come together,
This precious world of mine,
Before I remember to forget
What is left of time?

Shucks.. It happened again today. It felt like a massive implosion. Kaboom. And Panadols, they don't work no more. I'm immuned. Gah.. Hmmm.. Well at least it faded little by little. The nap was helpful, I guess.. Well I just hope God gives me the strength to go through what's left of time... Though I do admit I'm not worthy enough.. I know I'm hardly there and I've never tried hard enough to do what I'm asked to do.. Man..

Note To Self:
some things we don't need to show
because it won't matter at all
just enough for you to know it yourself, zakaria.

The Us I Truly Miss

2009-04-10T23:19:00.004+08:00

Joe, Billy, Johnny, Syamilo & Zakk

Note To Us:
i remember the first time we played Dammit together;
gosh it was orgasmic.
i remember the last time we had Indian food together after our last gig;
oh my.. we were sky high.

those awesome moments..
i suddenly crave for them back

hmmm.. patience.
i just hope we all have it
'cuz i still believe in that one rock show that'll change the world.

The Pages

2009-04-09T00:25:00.003+08:00

The world around me is enveloped by pages,
The world turns to dust, under my gaze,
It’s all a great vanishing act,
The world my stage.
My goal?
To set foot into the world way beyond our own,
Past this stage and into something similar,
Though never the same.
I slip through the cracks, the surface,
No one can see me there, hear me there, touch me there,
Though I'm there, I'm there every second...
Every second in a world other than my own.
That world is everything, mine, could ever thrive to be,
So strange and unwicked... I lose myself,
Until the pages fall silent and my world ends.

Note To Self:
no one will save you...
...no one but yourself.
so.. get up and fight the war you started!

The Fall And Rise

2009-04-06T23:13:00.003+08:00

Paint all these pretty words on blank paper
With silence balanced on my lips
Hoping words won't fall off my tongue
The strings holding fingers
Playing hearts like marionettes
On a dead scene I hang
Contemplating guilt
As the rope curling around my neck
Gains strength with every inch it closes in
Not worth speaking
About the masquerade of holding hands
And the false pretense called tears
This is nothing more
Then a blank paper hanging..

Everybody wants a change.. But they can't just sit there and wait for the change to happen. Instead of waiting, why not BE the change?

Hmmm.. Honestly, I'm kinda tired of always trying so hard.. So hard that I forgot that I'm supposed to be the one in-charge of my life. Heh. Why bother make everyone happy when you eat yourself inside out..? Why try so hard getting what you don't deserve..? Why wait for answers to nothing..? And yeah, why live in denial..? Shucks.. Things have got to change, Zakaria. Do one thing: BE the change.

School's opening in less then 3 weeks. And I need a plan. Badly. I don't want to flop again. Yes, friends are important, but I've had enough of that "fun now, despair later" tragedy. They knew what they're doing when they decided to have fun, I didn't. And the feeling always suck went they get good grades at the end of the day, and I, well, I always disappoint myself. The irony is that we had the exact same fun, but shockingly different results. Hmmm.. Well I'm sorry guys, but I can't afford to risk it again.. Hope you guys understand..

So yeah.. I really hope this new change will be for the better.. I wanna see those smiles again on my parents faces. Yeap. Till then, the change starts now.

The Wall... And My Crayons

2009-03-21T23:09:00.000+08:00

And the writings on the wall
Will always speak to me,
Even when I refuse to respond to its blatant charity.
It will always pull
And always nag
And I will be stuck,
Afloat in a sea of wafting excuses,
And buoyant lies,
Each vessel-ed into a harbor of inane accord.
Each syllable has a motive,
A shifty eyed,
Perfectly debatable motive,
And someone always blames it on the gravel.
So I smear the wall,
And let the red ran run,
For I have grown weary
With the writings on the wall.

The coughings and chest discomforts still persist. Been over two weeks now. Hmmm.. And I still haven't had the chance to go for check up. Heh.. Kinda scared actually. But I'm definitely sure it's nothing.. Yep.. Shouldn't think too much.. I mean, what's the worst that could happen? Hmmm.. Oh well..

So.. The results are out. Yet again, good news and bad news. Let's do the bad news first. Well, I didn't meet my aim for year 2. GPA didn't reach 3.0. I got 2.97 again. I guess music theory oulled me down greatly. Kinda disappointed, but hey, I'm getting good at handling disappointments now. Heh. At least there's the good news. The good news is that I don't have to repeat music theory! Haha.. And I'm definitely seeing my classmates again in year 3. Yay.. Alright, I'll just have to work twice as hard for next year.. That's a promise to myself. And I need support. Way lots and lots of support. Heh.. I've got to make it all up by doing well for POD. So yeah.. A few more weeks till the new semester starts.. Wow I just can't wait.

Monday's going to be the Music Dreamer Cafe show. I really hope we could pull it through. 7 songs, one show. Yep.. We definitely can.

Hmmm.. Purple Paige. New music direction for me. Another reason to play drums again. Enough said. Heee..

Note To Self:
what doesn't kill you
makes you stronger..
..and better at killing

The Promise

2009-03-17T00:14:00.005+08:00

In space,
The astronauts cannot cry;
There is no gravity,
So the tears can't flow.

So fly me to the moon
And let me hide away my scars,
Numb me all my senses
And put these feelings behind bars.

How far would you go to keep a promise? A promise to that special someone, a promise to the world, or maybe just a simple promise to yourself.. It depends. You could drown the world with your sweat trying hard to keep your word, or you could drown the universe with your tears, with regrets of breaking your promise. Either way, you and the world drown. There's just a lot of sacrifices involved. Yeah.. But at least, upon keeping you word, you drown with triumph. Heh..

Speaking of sacrifices, how far would you go to make someone happy? Well, it's subjective actually.. Climb a coconut tree, cross an ocean filled with billions of jellyfish, hijack a plane, etc. You could even cause a road block in the middle of Shenton Way just to propose to that person. Heh. Crazy things crazy people would do. Hmmm.. But sometimes, maybe recognition for the things you do for that person isn't always necesarry. Right? As long as that person's happy.. It's the thought that counts anyway. Oh well.. Sometimes, it doesn't even matter.. Maybe it won't even be remembered.. But at least, there's the attempt.. Shucks.

Many people walk in a dream. They feel entitled to happiness, and feel anger when it is not waiting for them. But ironically, when what they desire comes upon them before their eyes, they pretend not to see them, and hence, the denial that life is unfair. Hmmm.. What does it take to wake them up from that dream, and make them realize that life is beautiful? I wonder..

Okay, I'm just ill.. and I just can't help thinking about things I shouldn't be thinking about. And thus, this blog entry. Gosh..

Note To Self:
just hold on, zakaria..

The Bottom Of The Plastic Cup

2009-03-14T01:07:00.008+08:00

if i die tonight
would you feel the loss?
tomorrow would you dial
my number by accident
then suddenly... pause?

There's a lot of things in my mind right now, I just don't know where to begin. Hmmm.. And I'm getting weaker. And I don't need any antidote. No one cares anyway.

Note To You:
sometimes i just do what i do.
no one forces me.
i know it's crazy at times.
i even lost better left unsaid's master copy haha..
oh well..
it makes me happy to make someone happy.
i hope you appreciate it all. really.
treasure our friendship.
'cuz if you don't, well..
too bad..
'cuz i'm just gonna keep on doing it
until you finally miss me when i'm gone.

The Cold Couplet

2009-03-10T23:57:00.001+08:00

I don't miss the quiet,
But I miss the warmth.

The Plan

2009-03-09T23:29:00.007+08:00

Tell me a secret,
Should I stay or should I go?

Alright cool. One thing to strike off my need-list: a pair of monitor headphones. Slick. An audio-technica made. Oh, and I just so love its camo color. The specs are awesome too. Shibby. ;)

I guess I could finally do proper mixing. Heh.. Okay, so first things first: the cover song. I figured I should at least make use of the holidays to prepare for next year's assignment. And it's going to be NUFAN's Solitaire. I've always wanted to play that song. Haha.. But didn't get a chance to. Well I'm done transcribing the drum track. Haha.. Maybe Guitar Pro is useful afterall. Sounds like crap luh, but hey, that's what we all first were before we became anything we are right now. Heh. Well I'll just import the midi track into Logic some time next week and watch as magic takes place. I'll be transcribing the rest of the instruments some time later this week. Yay, work. Awesome great load of work. But it's going to be done out of passion uh, of course. Haha. And I've already got a plan. I target the music to be all ready and roughly mix before April, and then record my friend's vocals before he reports in for NS. Arrgh.. NS.. That taboo word.. :\

Okay. So this week's been all planned. Tomorrow, performance and movie chill out. Wednesday, performance and work after that. Thursday, mom and dad's anniversary. Plan to get them on another honey moon. But one can only plan so much. Haha.. And Friday, Friday Prayers and then head straight to work after that. Weekends are going to be more work. Extra overtime. I target to get at least $600 for March's pay. Save half of it for Mac and Logic, 1/5 of it to family household, and 1/5 of it for transportation and phone credit. The rest, if there's even any, will be for miscellaneous stuff. Yep. Hmmm.. I realize things are most probably going to go according to plan when we write those things down. Now let's just hope they go as planned. Godspeed. Heh.

Oh yeah.. Rumour has it that Rufio's back, and they're recording for their 4th album, The Full Reality! Woots! Haha.. Well, rumours..

The Closet

2009-03-08T00:07:00.003+08:00

Does it matter
If I keep a locked closet
In which old skeletons dwell?
A cabinet so filled with spider webs,
Even the spiders get lost in search of their old trails.
Do you really need to know what lies inside?
I doubt it matters soon after your curiosity subsides.
Will you hate me for what you'll find?
Or will you love me more with a love so blind?
They say what you don't know won't kill.
But when you know you don't know something you should know,
It just kills you the same, doesn't it?
I wonder why they call it closet.
Maybe it's not meant to be opened,
So just close it - and keep it closed.
Maybe mine has the same concept.
Only a little bit inverted and retrograded.
You might say I live in my closet;
I would say I live in an empire I built with my bare hands,
Memories as my foundation.
And I can give you the key to that empire,
Explore and get lost in it if you want to.
But again the question..
Does it matter?

Damn, I think I too much again.. Bleargh.. Hmmm.. I've got to start writing new stuff. I've always wanted to try experimental music, but it's just so mind-boggling. Remember that previous mathcore concept? Haha.. It almost made me lose my mind counting the strange time signatures and applying weird discordances. Hmmm.. Soon. New stuff from Zakk. Yep. But I need ideas. Maybe about how to lose one's mind thinking about how to lose one's mind. Heh.

Speaking of which, The Used new upcoming album's concept is so awesome. It's pretty much about coming to grips with how much you really hate yourself and knowing you can never hate yourself to the full extent, so you're free to hate yourself as much as you want to. Heh. Deep. So yeah, wait for it.

The Metaphora

2009-03-07T00:42:00.003+08:00

I wasn't ten thousand knives
I wasn't a balloon of thought's parade
Instead, I'm just me
With punk rock playing on a cassette player
In my head - Saturday nights were supposed to be space rock

And tonight our colors seem black and white
Like a bad comic book movie
Collided with our eyes - yours are sparkling oh so bright

Though
A hundred and two days
Of the only poetry seen
Being losely written stories,
I've forgotten how to spell out
i-l-o-v-e-y-o-u in metaphors
About the Sun and the Moon and the Stars
And my pen brushing around your hair
As you sleep and I write - in my dreams

And I know I've been caught up
In one too many things that are not you
And I know
I am not a field of drying wheat grass
- Random puddles in the middle

And that if
All the telephone rings were not mine
Or were not yours,
I would still dream of leaving you pocketed love notes
And you would still never open up your heart for me

Will you ever change your mind..?

Well I just got home from work. Shucks. It's been pretty busy there nowadays. And there seems to be a critical shortage of manpower. Hmmmph.. Oh well.. People come and go. Anyway, nice working with you, Vicky. (wonder why she left.. hmmm..) Okay, so maybe I can manage the work load afterall. And new staffs are fast learners too. Yep.

Hmmm.. So I went back with Diyana tonight. I figured since she also lives at Admiralty, why not go home together.. I didn't think much. Haha.. Oh and instead of the usual route home, I took 965 with her. We're going towards the same direction, anyway. So we talked on the bus, about school and stuff. She's 19 too, by the way. Hmmm.. Still, I didn't think much. Just some casual conversation. Nothing more. I don't want to get too close. Let's just maintain the distance, yeah? So yeah.. Diyana's just a colleague luh. She's probably got a dude waiting to pick her up at her bus stop or sumthin. Bleargh.. Haha..

(Shucks, I just don't want to get hooked later. She's quite a sweet person actually. Gosh.. This feels weird uh. I don't want to be digging myself another grave. Dude, I just got myself out from the old grave! Haha.. Nope. Girls mean suicide. For now, that is. Period. Heh.)

Note To Self:
not this time.

The Unexpected

2009-03-04T23:52:00.003+08:00

The unknown last supper seasoned with thyme.
The oblivious poem with the unforeseen rhyme.
The suprise of sugar tasting sour,
Living in the unexpected hour.

Watching as minutes fall back and the seconds march forward,
Making the last refrain for the pen that defeats the sword.
And when the stars fall and become man's dust in the wind,
Does the unexpected truely begin.

Yet those stars fell so many years ago.
As we wait for new ones to grow.
So living in a silly world where we hunger for power,
Living in the unexpected hour.

Note To Self:
life is so full of surprises.
so full of it that you get caught off guard.
hmmm.. oh well..
everything happens for a reason.
yeah..

The Brightest Star

2009-02-27T00:01:00.004+08:00

Shooting stars with guns,
To watch the wax rain on what's left of your rose cheeks.
We say farewell under the cremated stars and skeletons.
Looking up at your haunting constellations,
We’ll inject this wish on our star:

I wish I may,
I wish I might,
I wish the skies
Weren't closed tonight.

Oh and just in case the stars don't shine,
Just wait, don't blink, don't cry, don't whine.
They're not dead yet, nope.
Just making way for the Führer.
For one star shines so brighter than them
You'll see her in the mirror.

And when you see her, hush..
Don't make a sound,
Not a single word.
Just make a wish inside your heart
Trust me, it will all be heard.

And I'll wish upon the same star too,
And I'll wish a wish that your wish comes true.

Amin.

I'm still amazed by the night sky. Every single star that shines represent something important in our lives. I don't know how I know it, but I just feel they do. It's mystical. Okay I'm weird, I know.

Oh well. Anyways, just so you know, life's been pretty much the same. Still as complicated. So yeah. Haha.. I'm sorry for those affected, I kinda left the blog unattended 'cuz I didn't really know what to write and where to begin. Let me remain mysterious for now. Let your mind wonder. It's great exercise. Heh.

I'll write again soon. Cherios.

The Science Fiction

2009-02-09T00:39:00.003+08:00

Don't believe this science fiction,
Tale of beauty and perfection.
You are more than ordinary
It's time to take this blindfold off your eyes.

Shagged. I'm hanging loose. I just hate the first two weeks of February 2009. Okay maybe Wednesday night on the 4th wasn't so bad. But then again, these two weeks are just so tiresome. Sleep is like out of the norm. I'm considered lucky if I were to get a 2-hour dreamless sleep. Or else, I'd rather not sleep at all.. Heh. Just a week more to go, and then everything will be over. OVER.

Oh, and I love my new Jack Purcell sneakers.. Haha.. Like finally..

And Outlander's movie trailer seems awesome. Swords and spaceships and man at war and aliens.. How cool is that? Totally..

Note To Self:
no worries
about a thing
'cause every little thing
is gonna be alright

The Walls Bled Lust

2009-01-26T22:49:00.003+08:00

I don't understand French, but if I could,
I would write beautiful songs about horrible things
Because it is said to be the language of love and romance
And if love didn't exist,
There wouldn't be any horrible things.
You must care to cry,
Love something in order to hate something
You must have a heart in order for it to be broken.
Many people walk in a dream.
They feel entitled to happiness
And feel anger when it is not waiting for them.
I know that the world owes me nothing,
Yet has given me a great deal.
It is our own perception we get to bend and mold to our liking -
Once that is accomplished,
The reality we once knew begins to change.

Okay, I'm in a better mood to write. First of all, wishing all of my Chinese friends a prosperous Chinese New Year. Xin nian kuai le, people.. Haha. And woots! I received 2 red packets at work. Sweet.

Anyways.. Hmmm.. 4-part writing in punk rock. Sounds whacked. I mean, there're hardly any Singapore bands doing that.. Maybe they do exist, but to what extent? Oh well.. Let's experiment..

By the way, The Fall of Troy's Phantom of the Horizon is wickedly awesome. Great instrumentations; new inspirations for midi assignment. Heh.

And yeah, music theory should be my main focus now. I've got to get a B for that test at least. I don't want it to spoil my holidays again. So yeah.. All the best, Zakaria..

Note To Self:
distance is just the thing you need, zakaria.

The Wish

2009-01-24T04:59:00.000+08:00

One light, one wish
A wish filled with dreams
We all want to see and have
Out of one wish we get
On the day of our birth.

One spark, moment of silence
Time freezing until the call
Has been made for the glow
Small breaths escape and witness
The spark that glows from our light

One taste of sensation,
The sweetness, and yet how lovely
One wish can be for all
World filled with desires and hopes
Desires for satisfaction
Hopes for fulfillment

One wish, on a special day
Remembering birth, grow
And the changes that come from growth
A wish we all have, celebrating gift
That comes in mysterious ways
One birthday, lots of smiles, one wish

We all get one wish, and hope
For it to come before us
As we celebrate, we cherish the moments
Every memory from past to present
Memories of good times we shared
Memories of change, growth
We cherish it all, and will truly miss.

ps: happy one-day-late birthday to me.

Thanks all for yesterday.. Hmmm.. And I thought it's a non-significant day.. Even I myself didn't realize it coming until Thursday evening. Wow.. I forgot my birthday. Thanks all.. :]

Note To You:
well i made a wish
it doesn't have to come true
'cuz i kinda gave up on birthday wishes;
mine never came true.
but yeah, i decided to make one this year
since i figured i've got nothing to lose.
who knows this year might be different..

oh, and the gift was awesome
though you really shouldn't have spent on it
like really really
it must've been super expensive,
something even money can't buy
hmmm..

thank you, bestfriend.. ;]

The Stars Are Out Tonight

2009-01-21T21:46:00.005+08:00

It suffocates
Burning holes through my chest
Watching you sit there
Never being able to reach out and touch you
Can't hold you close in my arms, safe.
I'm slipping away.
My light is fading out.
Oh wait, I have no light.
You are so bright and beautiful,
Attracting all the others as they gather near to be yours.
I try to come, but I'm pushed down.
I try to get up, but the hole took too much away.
The darkness is snuffing out my light.
Oh wait, I have no light.
Only dull gray radiates from me now.
I'm just another piece of black, woven into the dark sky.
Unnoticed, unwanted, almost broken.
Only rain comes from me.
Only darkness illuminates me.
So I watch from my gaping hole.
I envy the bright, colourful stars around you.
And I,
I'm just a cloud.

It's not everyday you get a clear night sky. It's even tougher to get to see clusters of stars out there, as though they've come to gather for some night feast and celebration. Gosh, even the Orion's belt is present. Hmmm.. It's really really awesome.

And like every other night whenever I come across the night's brightest star and I'd make a wish upon it, for once tonight, I just wish for somebody, just anybody, to believe in me..

Note To Self:
starlight, star bright,
the first star i see tonight,
i wish i may, i wish i might,
have the wish i wish tonight..

..and i wish my wish comes true.

The Depleting Water In The Well

2009-01-20T22:23:00.001+08:00

A page so cold
A pen so light
A soul so dark
And a thought too bright

A recipe for expression
Each an important ingredient
Only with the right tools
And a mind so obedient

Could words of such caliber
Ever be born
But as the tools wear down
So does the soul get torn

Each verse seems to contain
Some piece of my mind
But they aren’t endless
As they become harder to find

I can only wonder
When I might run out
And what I will be then
When I have nothing to write about

So I count each verse
I count each line
I count each word
And watch for some sign

A sign of the end
When the well runs dry
A sign that finally
I can say goodbye.

ps: you won't miss the water, till the well runs dry.. but then again, i just remembered.. who needs the well when there's always the vending machine.. hmmm.. maybe you'll only miss the well again when you run out of coins. but then again, you forgot, the well has already gone dry... and no tears you shed will fill it up again back to its brim.. it just won't be the same.

Note To Self:
hmmm.. today was none the better..
let it go, zakaria.. let it go.

her life, her say.

The Bad Day

2009-01-19T22:17:00.005+08:00

19th of January was once a date to remember. It's been quite some time now, but it's still as fresh as yesterday. Sweet memories, bitter sweet memories. Maybe it's true, the first relationship is always the hardest one to cease from one's mind. Hmmm.. And I thought I got over it.. Shucks. I can't sleep last night, thinking of it. I don't know why, the reels of yesterdays somehow got rewound.. It played back everything. From the point when I first wrote that letter to her, to the scene at the staircase behind the school hall where we would meet, to that break-up.. Shit..

Man, how I just want to forget it all, those young and stupid days.. Do me a big favour, Zakaria.. Let it go!

Oh, and to those awful nightmares, leave me alone!

Note To Self:
today was a bad day.

tomorrow's a better day,
tomorrow's a better day,
tomorrow's a better day..

The Valkyrie

2009-01-17T21:34:00.005+08:00

If only
You'll hold on
Just hold on
I'm here and
I'm with you
I'm here too
I feel you
We'll get through
I know this
I've seen it
A hundred times
A thousand times
Just one more time
With you and I
I'll pull you close
And then we'll say goodbye..

Note To Self:
i've got sweet nothings to say.

The Fate In Your Hands

2009-01-12T22:15:00.003+08:00

We are taught to think of our success in terms of numbers
If touching one person's life is a good thing,
Then touching one thousand's people lives must be a great thing.
It’s easy to see where we learned to think this way
Our whole society revolves around mass production.
The more units we can move,
The more customers we can serve,
The more boats we can get,
The more money and the more stuff we have, the better, right?
Maybe it’s not possible to touch one thousand people's thinking,
Or as powerfully as one person.
Maybe it’s not really so revolutionary after all,
To have one person out of a group of twenty, tell everybody else what’s right.
Wouldn’t it be better if we tried a decentralized approach
Where everyone works closely with those around them,
Instead of a few people waiting in anonymous mass?
Do you have to save the world all by yourself,
Why don’t you trust someone else to do it with you?

Note To You:
if you just hold on for one more second,
just hold on to what you have,
if you just hold on, just hold on,
you will wake up tomorrow..

The Exodus of No Regrets

2009-01-11T17:28:00.004+08:00

Speak not of a whisper
Steady your breath
Just stop and listen
Don't quicken your step.

Please be quiet
Don't make a sound
If a pin should drop
Hear it hit the ground.

Why won't you pause?
Why won't you wait?
Please just stop
Before it's too late.

I just want someone to listen
Someone to hear
The breaking of my insides
The shedding of my tears.

It seems I'm always screaming
Screaming aloud
But people say Im quiet
I never make a sound.

If they only knew
If only they could see
Soon there will be nothing left
Nothing left of me.

I work hard to keep the pieces
Mend me back together
But I'm soon to give up,
Wouldn't it be better?

Rid me of the one I hate
My own worst enemy
Rid me of that person
That person called "me".

I'm done now
I'm out of stitches, tape, and pins
Now I'll sit and wait
For my ending to begin.

Note To You:
for everything that starts
ends in one way or another

hang in there, Nenek
everything's going to be alright..

The Silent Prayer

2009-01-09T04:47:00.000+08:00

Why? Why does everything just has to happen one after the other?? I really don't know what to do now.. Oh God! Please don't take her away... I love her. We all love her.. Yeah, she's old, but taking her away will just cause a chain reaction, which will just make things worst.. Unless that's what You want it... Please please... Please don't take her away just yet..

Note To Self:
this is the part when i really want to disappear.

The Beautiful Mistake

2009-01-04T21:50:00.004+08:00

It was perfect.
Nothing could be so flawless as that;
The night was blistering cold
Silence filled the air
But the silence wasn't deafening at all,
It wasn't like any awkward silence,
It was that silence which calms the very soul.
No words needed.
And there I was, lying right next to you
And your hand gripped mine
And our eyes they meet
They locked.
It was dark, yet I could see right through them
They sparkled like the brightest stars;
The only stars in my sky.
You smiled.
I chuckled.
I smiled back.
We stared and we smiled.
And then I whispered something into your ears.
A whisper so soft it felt like a lullaby.
"Goodnight, and sweet dreams.."
You smiled.
I kissed you goodnight...
...And then my mum woke me up.

And then you were gone.
Just like that.
*Poof*

And soon I realized that everything was just a dream.

It was perfect..
..until I woke up.

And I cursed myself for not locking the door.

The Euphoric Year

2008-12-31T23:45:00.000+08:00

Okay. If you think that I'm going to summarize my year 2008 and spend umpteen hours cracking my head trying to recap what happened throughout this whole year, I won't.

Well, maybe I'll just scribble some bits here and there. But don't expect anything more than 1000 words. I'll probably just write about 999 and a half words? Heh. Bummer.

Hmmm.. 2008.. What can I say... Well, it surely marked the start of early adulthood for me. It's a special year. So special. A lot of things done changed now. There's just a lot of countless incredible yet priceless life lessons that I learnt. Hmmm.. Honestly, I could really cry thinking about it.. But then again, crying won't rewind back time. And I won't wanna change anything that ever happened.. Those happy times, those not-so-happy times.. And yeah, especially those rock bottom periods.. And I'm truly glad they happened, 'cuz I won't be who I am right now without them.

Well, next year's definitely going to be another awesome year.. I won't have any extraordinary resolutions. Maybe just one; to stay who I am within.

Oh yeah.. And this I've got to mention.. Haha.. Tomorrow's officially gonna be one full year now since it happened. The 1st of January 2008 was the day that sparked the fire that destroyed the whole forest, only to create an Eden replica afterwards. I could still remember that one text message..

text message: hey.. so do you have any new year resolution haha

Well it might not be the exact phrasing.. But it's the content that matters.. Heh.. So yeah.. It marked the beginning of a friendship between two very-different-yet-similar-in-many-ways individuals. Like literally two different worlds.. Haha.. It's like angry heavy white music collided the groovy up-beaty black music. Just think about it.. Children of Bodom meets Usher. Hmmm.. Maybe Eminem best describe this combination; angry white dude doing heavy yet groovy up-beaty black music. Erm.. Yeah.....

The fact is, she just taught me a lot of valuable things, whether she realized it or not.. Well I learnt what sacrifices meant, how to value the term family even more, how to be a listener, how it's okay to be who we are, how it doesn't matter how others think about what we are, how it's okay to fail countless times before we finally succeed, how to let go little by little, and most importantly, how true friendship works..

Everyone knows that life isn't all about the happy things.. We all go through not-so-happy things at one point of time or the other. We fail, we learn, we try again. It's a never-ending cycle. We just got to be strong. 'Cuz we are strong to begin with. Sometimes we just have to hold onto whatever we have to hold even harder. Like they say, there's always a rainbow somewhere out there after a terrible storm. Heh.. It's funny how a pessimist like me could come up with something that optimistic. Well, she taught me that, in a way..

Okay, I'm a couple of minutes early, but whut-ta-heck... Happy New Year!

Note To You:
my 2008 won't be the same without you
and for all that, i thank you, Emma..

The Boy Who Cried Chemicals

2008-12-30T22:47:00.000+08:00

There are certain times I remember
That stab me through my stomach,
From the inside to the out.
Cuts it open and all my wicked organs fall out,
Choking and wheezing from the lack of my acid inside.
Splinters from Winter still infect my remaining rib cage.
I kneel beside my chemical spill,
And try to put my pieces in their place like a jigsaw puzzle.
Everything fits like it should,
Like I never thought they would.
Everything except my plastic lungs and cardboard heart.
They aren't welcome back in this town.
Because one is a bullet and one is a gun,
And I'm not sure which is which one.
But the last thing I want to do,
Is bleed and breathe more toxic ink.
My body is my own canvas,
And I'm a waste of paint.

Almost finishing the last chapter of Broken Mirror. Scary. Okay, maybe not so scary for you.. Maybe I just could imagine so well; the pain, the agony. Dang.. Addictions and withdrawals. They just have to go together, don't they?

Ring around the roses
A pack of overdoses
Atissue, atissue,
They all drop dead.

Heh.. But you do know that addictions don't necesarry mean drugs, right? He could be addicted to horse-racing betting, she could be addicted to soap operas, that little infant could be addicted to breastfeeding he keeps wanting more.. Erm.. Yeah.. It's a wee bit dangerous in a way.. I mean, being addicted to something couldn't be a good thing, right? I don't think the addict could even tell the difference between his wants and needs. He'd do anything to get what he needs (or wants), and if there's a dearth in supplies, he'd even dare to beg, saying a little's enough. But how enough is enough? And when he doesn't get what he needs (or wants), he'd then curl up into a round flimsy ball, with blue bubbles coming from his mouth and he'll rot till he sees the light... Okay crap, I lied. Maybe he'll just sit hugging his knees, stare into complete nothingness, and bite his fingernails.. And maybe shiver a little bit. Yeah. Oh well.. Hmmm.. Why are we talking about addictions again?

Note To Self:
a tale to be told
a twist unfolds
stranger than fiction
an absurd reality..
a prince
(that ugly frog prince)
waiting impatiently for his one true love first kiss..
..and suddenly got abducted by the dark side.
a young darth vader was borned.
the end.

ps: i'm really trying to lose myself, just forget about my issues, so i could sleep tonight. so mind the absurdity in this post. merci.

The Last Cigarette

2008-12-29T21:57:00.003+08:00

Life is like a packet of cigarettes
So caught up with the mundanity of living
And harassed by life's petty problems
We forget to see its pleasurable side
Until we come to the very last stick
Which is then cherished, till it burns a finger.
Another packet is easily bought tomorrow,
But life is not so easy to purchase,
Once spent.

I came across this quite old local book, Broken Mirror, while I was browsing through the shelfs of BizIT library. It's a compilation of true stories about drug abuse. Heart-breaking, yet inspiring. It sort of moved me. It is somewhat different from A Million Little Pieces in the sense that the stories are written by local Singaporeans, and I can really relate to it. It's so close to home. This touching memoir of ex-drug addicts as well as drug addicts serving their death sentences kind of opened up my eyes even more; that life shouldn't be wasted just like that. Choices. Life is so full of choices. We just have to be responsible in choosing how we want the endings of our story to be. So.. How do you want your story to end?

Note To Self:
the greatest gift, you have -- your family

The Ghost of Yesterday

2008-12-28T23:16:00.002+08:00

A song falls silent too soon
Melody choking on extinction
No voice to sing the whispers of an unbeating heart

Untimely death
Unfaithful death
Unforgiving death

Music echoes beyond places it was heard
Beauty lost to the absent ear
No beat to steady the waning rhythm

Unending death
Unconquerable death
Unappetizing death

Lifeless instruments begin to decay
Sound incapable of existence
No chorus reaches its audience tonight

Words on paper abandoned by birth into death...

Note To Self:
i can't get over last night's dream..
too real, just too real..

i dreamt of everyone
almost everyone i know..

they seem normal
happy, unaffected
they didn't even realize

it was my ghost saying goodbye..

maybe it's really true;
nothing really matters when we're gone..

The Boiling Point

2008-12-25T20:33:00.000+08:00

A silence, grander than any word;
a word, greater than silence.
A stillness, grander than any motion--
a twitch, greater than violence.

Heh.. Couldn't take it, really.. I just had to get off work at 4pm.. To think about working full shift today.. HAH.. Yeah.. It was a crazy idea.. Oh, and by the way, ladies and gentleman, I'm not superman.. I can't do everything on my own, you know..

Note To Self:
it almost exploded today..
could've erupted..
fury put on hold..

tried turning to someone
just anyone
but no one was there..

always depended too much on the wrong person..

wow..
so much for a merry christmas..

The Civilized Anarchy

2008-12-23T11:22:00.008+08:00

It was really crazy. In fact, it's crazier than crazy. It's beyond crazy. Becrazy.

Haha.. So maybe you could tell how the gig at City Plaza JB went. Like really really, it was so much different from the gigs I've been in Singapore. The difference? Well, most of the crowd in Singaporean gigs attend the gigs just to watch and support their favourite band. A much more decent 'groupie', I suppose. Like after their band finished performing, they leave together with the band, or sumthin like that.. On the other hand, almost everyone in the crowd in that JB gig went on supportive to whatever band was playing, be it Reggae, Hardcore, or even slow Indonesian Indie! It was amazing how they could sing along, dance, and also mosh to every song - literally every song. Haha..

It was a good thing that Syamil was there to accompany me. And yeah, of course, Shafiq, for his warmest welcome to his hometown. We got to know his friends, so-called tradition, and cool spots - I so love that Rasta shop! Haha.. Nice..

And yeah.. As usual, there's always that girl at the rock show.. Haha.. Kinda cute.. Seemed like a mummy's girl, though. I didn't even think of getting close. Just a few metres away. I wouldn't wanna bring back bad memories to Singapore, would I? Heh.. Oh well.. She's the girl at the rock show..

Oh, and I managed to capture this crazy crowd from my phone.. Just look at the size of the crowd.. They all made flying possible. Check out a dude in purple t-shirt, who stage dived like nobody's business.. Haha.. Oh yeah.. It is only a short clip, 'cuz after that '16 seconds, the mosh pit just started to get bigger and bigger that my phone would be at stake.. Haha..

The Revolution

2008-12-20T23:16:00.000+08:00

Our Last Dance Goodbye.

Yep. That's the title of my very first hip hop r&b song.. Awesome experiment. Heh.. Who would've thought I'd come up with that. It's like two different worlds from two different dimensions.. Heh.. And those two worlds, they collide.

I'll upload it once it's ready. For now, it's still a minus one. Haven't write the lyrics out yet.. Maybe tonight? Or not.

Oh.. And OAG, here I come.. Shibby. I just hope I won't get lost there tomorrow..

The Unopened-Letter-Since-Monday

2008-12-11T20:40:00.005+08:00

I don't know. It's too much now. Playing concern is their latest game. Who are you kidding? You guys can't even differentiate between me and my bro. Hello I'm Zakaria, and this my bro, Zul. Pleased to be your open-inverted-commas-nephew-closed-inverted-commas for 18 years? Erm.. Maybe not. Oh well.. Buh-bye.

Hmmm.. I feel blessed I had a morning shift..though I missed the morning Aidiladha prayers.. Well, at least I have my family by my side.. And I am really blessed to have them all..

I miss my other Grandma though.. Hmmm..

The Erased

2008-12-10T23:30:00.000+08:00

Scrap.

The Wish Coming True

2008-12-04T00:03:00.001+08:00

Note To Self:
i'll be among the co-writters of that book..
awesome.
publishing mid next year..

till then..

The Beautiful Creatures On Earth

2008-11-27T17:58:00.001+08:00

Note To Self:
turn back time..
let's start over.

The Mysterious Yours Truly

2008-11-25T21:34:00.001+08:00

Ah.. Finally new songs to listen to.. Thanks Anders for the files. OAG is just so awesome luh.. And Plain Sunset and Norah Jones and Colbie Caillat and Daita.. Sweet..

I'm still buffled. I wonder who it's from.. I mean, it's not so often (almost never..) that I recieve a card from an utter stranger whose initials I can't even figure out. Is it from her? Or her? Or her? Or...him?? Ergh.. But whoever it's from, (and it's definitely from GEMS class), it's really very thoughtful of that person. Like they say, simple gestures like such could really leave a deep mark. Just so that person know, I really appreciate that card.. Thanks, whoever you are..

Hmmm.. Should I reopen my doors..? I really don't know about this.. I don't want to fall again.. I just don't. And it'll always remind me of you. And I know I shouldn't be thinking about it.. I just know.

Oh, and Wani.. Thanks for the chat. I haven't quite chatted with anyone on msn for weeks.. Erm.. Wait. Almost never. Heh. Unless that person nudges me.. And about this blog of mine, try not to spread around yeah.. I don't quite like it to be a subject to talk about. Thanks yeah.. :)

Note To You:
this song is for you.

The Girl Without A Smile

2008-11-25T04:05:00.001+08:00

a world in black and white
a day with endless night.
no lights.

forsaken
forgotten.
mistaken,
always mistaken.

it's not her fault.
it never was.

a victim of false impression,
blind oppression.

save her,
somebody save her.

for she is the girl
without a smile.

Note To Self:
i can't sleep
i keep dreaming of her.

The Rose

2008-11-24T18:48:00.001+08:00

Like the lost petals of a dead, dried rose
Color has faded away
And yet if you hold it dear to your heart
Still the sweet fragrance stays
Even when all hope seems utterly lost
And life is a cruel trance
Remember the rose that has faded away
And know that you have a second chance..

Or not.

Morendo, fade away..

It's close to 7pm. And I'm still at school. Great. Hmmm.. These things in my head again. I wish I could jot them down. Shucks.. Oh well. Anyways, I need more new songs for my playlist. Something different perhaps.. Heh. I was listening to NSYNC during the whole of the trip to school. Secondary school memories.. Haha.. Erm.. Maybe I could use some powerpop or sumthin' like Anna Judge April. We'll see.. Heh.

Oh, and one more thing.. This is to that Aunty who spoilt my mood twice the other day. Firstly, I don't smoke, nor drink. And so I can't just keep quiet when I'm being judged unjustly. Yes, I do hang out with people who smoke and drink and maybe even do things that you wouldn't want to know. But that doesn't mean I do those things they do. I damn well could, but I just choose not to. And even if I do, I would definitely do it openly. I'm not a hypocrite, unlike you. So please stop stop stop being prejudice. Thank you. And I'm really sorry for talking back to you. I just had to stand up for myself.

The Hope

2008-11-21T09:10:00.001+08:00

what dreams may come out of the darkness?
what visions may eyes see?
what voices may we hear,
crying out from the distant corners of insanity?
what is it we aspire for?
why do we reach for the flame?
when in it's beauty and grace
will burn and consume us body and soul
and leave nothing but ashes
waiting for the next dreamer to touch the scorch marks
and the flame of hope consumes another soul..

Note To Self:
i would think that the light at the end of the tunnel,
is always a train,
but i always hope that it would be a hole;
an escape route that would probably be my only lifeline.

but then again,
one can only hope so far.

The Entity

2008-11-17T22:40:00.007+08:00

seldom do my words ring a vibrant tune,
a song by which i rise
from the bowels of this silent abyss.

as i long for the light to reach my eyes,
i am restless, a hollow shell
waiting on my last unanswered prayer.

i am freed by my waking moments,
a gleam, a spark
that forces my eyes wide open.

at last, i am awake..

By the way, the requime gig last friday was way beyond awesome.. Sweet.

And... Angels And Airwaves is coming this December the 7th at University Cultural Centre Hall, NUS!! Shibby. Hmmm.. To go or not to go, that is the rhetorical question. Well.. Should I go rob a bank?

Nah, maybe not. But still, to go or not to go...

Note To Self:
maybe i could still keep that promise afterall..

The Requime

2008-11-14T12:31:00.003+08:00

Tonight is the night.
The moon will finally meet the sun.
The shadows will have a mind of their own.
The turtles will leave their shells.
The Juliets will dump their Romeos.

Tonight will be the night,
When paradoxes uncontradict themselves,
And leave the orthodoxes unorthodoxed.

Behold,
The Requime.

The Heartbeat

2008-11-06T16:41:00.004+08:00

it is simple music;
there are no words,
and there is no singing.
it is an old voice,
and a deep voice,
like the stump of a sweet cigar,
or a shoe with a hole.
it is a voice that has lived and lives,
with sorrow and shame,
ecstacy and bliss,
joy and pain,
redemption and damnation.
it is a voice with love and without love.
i like the voice,
and though i can't talk to it,
i like the way it talks to me.
it says, "it is all the same, young man.
take it and let it be.."

Hmmm.. The Notebook.. That movie says it all.. Nuthin in this life goes easy. There's pain and sorrow, and then there's joy and ecstacy. Hard work is all we need, and plus a little bit of faith and miracle, of course. Heh. Suki was right. It's a touching and inspiring movie. See, I've never regretted joining the GEM class. Haha..

Hmmm.. So I didn't cry watching it. Well that doesn't mean I'm heartless or anything like that, but I just can't. It is indeed a lovely story that melts the heart of anyone who watches it. Me included. But then again, I know it won't happen in real life. No use hoping that the same thing would happen to anyone of us, 'cuz it won't. Anyone would pray hard for it to happen, but it won't. Hmmm.. As much as I love the story of that movie, i just hate it. 'Cuz I know it won't happen in real life. It just won't. And that is why they make that movie. Oh shit, I hate myself. Hmmm.. Well, apart from the reality check, The Notebook is no doubt an awesome movie to watch. It's beyond awesome, actually.

Alright.. So... This week's been awesome. Except for the late mornings, everything's doing just fine. It's a start. And I'm really trying to change. For the better. And I realized that the stalker in my tagboard is true. Heh. Listening ears are everywhere. I just need to open up myself more, though I still have problems doing that.. And Wan, you're right. It's really hard being a guy. But then again, a guy has got to do what a guy has got to do. Heh. And I know what I've got to do. I needed a plan, and I've got it. Hmmm.. Well.. I can't depend on people all the time right? Like I said, it's our life. We choose, we decide.

So I chose to be me. I am myself. And I am not going to be him, nor him, nor him. Not some emo dude. Not some cry baby. I'll be me. Zakaria. I have my own sets of things to solve, and I'm damn well going to solve it. And that's the way it's going to be. Whether you or I like it or not. Capishe? Capishe. \m/

The Anonymous

2008-11-02T22:40:00.005+08:00

and it takes no time to fall in love
but it takes you years to know what love is
and it takes some fears to make you trust
it takes some tears to make it rust
it takes the dust to have it polished..

Note To Aerandir:
Thanks Wan, for listening. I mean for reading and responding. Really. And yeah, I owe you a cup of Milo and a listening ear too. Nudge me when you feel like hanging out, dude.

Note To Stalker Who Camps Here:
Thanks, really. Whoever you are.. I won't bother to find out who you are, cuz it's better off this way.. You know me, I don't know you. Perfect. Cuz I won't have to feel awkward with you in real life. Camp here for as long as you want to, cuz it might just make a big difference. Thanks a lot, yeah. And I'm really trying hard to break this barrier, for your info..

The Arson

2008-10-30T15:48:00.003+08:00

Try.
Try.
You can.
Try.
All in the mind.
All in the mind.
Try.
All in the mind.
Can.
Can’t.
Can.
Make up your mind.
Can’t.
Can.
Why?
Why not?
Shit.
Can't.
Spark.
Need it.
Stones.
Strike strike.
Spark.
Strike strike strike.
Bright sparks.
Dead tree.
Dead leaves.
Dry.
So dry.
Need them.
Stones.
Strike strike strike.
More sparks.
Gasoline.
Pour on leaves.
Pour on tree.
Strike strike.
Light.
Small fire.
Spread.
Big fire.
Burn.
Spread.
Faster.
Burn burn.
Why?
Don't know.
Don't care.
Just burn.
Screams.
Loud piercing screams.
Burn.
Spread.
Bigger fire.
More screams.
Run.
No.
Stay.
Yeah.
Stay.
Fire.
Bright hot fire.
Louder screams.
Boom.

Note To All:
relax.
it's just a story.
all fiction.
i just needed to let off some steam.
i'm still sane.
for now.
heh.
i'm at school.
music theory.
killing me.
shucks.

music theory book.
lighter.
tick tick,
boom.
haha.

it's all in the mind.

The Purplest Skies

2008-10-25T12:00:00.002+08:00

issues from the past,
shadows from your eyes,
the world spins around a needle,
that puts the medicine in your sickness.

an old bird sings a song,
a sad song of goodbye,
the world melts away as you try to talk,
the sun fades and the twilight rises.

the smiles turn into doors,
that open to a world,
far away from you,
pieces of imaginaries skies,
rising above your eyes,
as your fingers fade away,
your pain is left behind.

burn me,
as you are cold.
the memories are far beyond,
our own mission is to drive below.

i don’t feel like loving you anymore,
i want to listen to your voice,
don’t leave this world behind,
my selfish self speaks tonight.

the life is recorded,
our skies are purple,
my world doesn’t melt,
yours is about to begin.

Note To Self:
you're getting stronger each day.
it's all in the mind, it's all in the mind.
you've got to stay strong, zakaria.
leave it all behind..

you can do this on your own.
you're fucking invincible now.
the past is past, tomorrow's a blast;
it's a fucking new beginning..

let's go!

The Road

2008-10-17T12:34:00.002+08:00

'cuz sometimes you feel tired,
feel weak,
and when you feel weak,
you feel like you wanna just give up.
but you gotta search within you,
you gotta find that inner strength
and just pull that shit out of you
and get that motivation to not give up
and not be a quitter,
no matter how bad you wanna just fall flat on your face and collapse.

- eminem

note to self:
stay focus, zakaria.
no one can save you but yourself.
you are your own saviour,
your own driver on this course full of detours.
you make the decisions, dude..
either way, you just got to move on forward;
ain't no turning back.
maps are there all around you,
and they are those who really want to help.
use them, before you lose them..

oh, and dude,
in this course of yours,
dead ends don't exist.

The Words Of A Book

2008-10-15T18:08:00.001+08:00

note to a friend:
hmm.. thanks dude, for that long reply of yours. really appreciate it.. maybe now i know the truth..

okay.. actually i've figured out that "love without ownership" thing long ago, even before i met her. so i totally understand what you mean.. i can't deny that. it's just that when the old feeling, sumthin i haven't felt for a very long time, creeps in again, i tend to go over the barrier. it's my own fault, for being reckless.

what you said about that friendship thing, yeah, i agree. like i once wrote here in this blog, the flame of friendship lasts forever.

but i just want to set this straight: i'm not avoiding anyone here. please don't misinterpret my actions. true, actions speak louder than words, but sometimes we all have to give those words a chance to explain themselves. i do things for a reason. sometimes i just feel it's pointless to explain my actions. so yeah, you can call me unpredictable. oh and by the way, i have a really bad eye sight problem for your info. that's why i've always preferred sitting in front.

i know i have a lot to explain myself to you both, but i guess things are just better left as they are right now. perhaps my past/recent blog entries might provide you clues. actually if i could, i would tell the whole world what i'm feeling and thinking; just scream it out loud. but i admit i'm a poor talker, so i prefer to write. that's why i can really write a lot in text messages, cards, letters, diaries.. but i'm just not as chatty in person. it's just the way i am. sometimes i even wish i live in a world made of words, so i could explain myself more so people don't judge me easily. that's why i love reading fiction, 'cuz i could feel what the writer is trying to convey. so yeah, never judge a book by its cover..

and lastly, it's true i have other closer friends. but honestly, i hardly open up to anyone. you can ask her that. sometimes i even find it hard to blend in a group of bestfriends. that's sumthin about me that even i myself can't explain. and please, i'm not an anti-social. like a skateboard, i need that kick (or push, whatever you call it) to keep me going, or else i'll end up stalling in the middle of the road.

hmm.. i really appreciate to have friends like you guys. but i really can't force myself to clean up my own closet. it's a metaphor. it's tough. but i've never stop trying. so yeah.. hope these clear any misunderstandings. hit me back when you read these. cheers.

The Exhaustion

2008-10-15T03:59:00.000+08:00

Note To Self:
i can't sleep again.
still thinking.
hmmm..
many things yet to be attained..
my laptop still won't start.
school work's getting tougher.
more upcoming projects.
music theory test results kinda below expectation.
my bro's behaviour's getting out of hand.
my bad sleeping habits' getting worst.
introversion's creeping back in.
it's getting harder to socialize.
work.
withdrawal.
getting the house together.

i lack something.
i need something.
something expensive.
something hard to get.
something called a listening ear.

shit.

The Bits And Pieces

2008-10-13T22:03:00.004+08:00

"The Young Man came to the Old Man seeking counsel.
I broke something, Old Man.
How badly is it broken?
It’s in a million little pieces.
I’m afraid I can’t help you.
Why?
There’s nothing you can do.
Why?
It can’t be fixed.
Why?
It’s broken beyond repair. It’s in a million little pieces."

Moral Of The Story: Never seek counsel from an old man.

Heh. I just started reading James Frey's A Million Little Pieces today, when I came across those wise words in its prologue section. Yeah, it's true what he said, that nothing could fix something that's been broken into a million little pieces. Try mending a shattered mirror, or should I say shattered pieces of mirror; no matter how best you try, it just won't look the same as its original state. Well that young man in that story obviously has broken his own heart. Maybe it was his own fault for being so reckless in the game of love. Ergh.. So cheezy. Oh well, my point is, I don't quite agree with that old man. Nothing in this world is impossible. I believe that if we crave for something real bad, the whole universe conspires to help us get what we want. All we need to do is never stop believing. Yeah.. Some hard work and a wee pinch of faith does it all. It is what they call the miracles of life..

Some book taught me that. Heh. Deep, huh? It is what I call the magic of a book. Sweet..?

So school starts today. And... I was late for the fist lesson. Suprise suprise.. Actually I sort of expected that coming.. Hmmph.. Been getting really tired so easily nowadays. Work, I guess.. Those late nights brought new habits. Shucks.. I need a louder alarm clock now. And it's alright, I don't need a wake up call. Heh. Oh well.. Anyways, I got up around 10 plus, only to realize there's no hope for midi class. So I decided to do what I've been wanting to do.. Headed down to Peninsula and got myself married... Oooh.. Fina Fiona is her name. And I think Astoria doesn't mind the polygamy. Heh.. She's got a beautiful body, sweet neck, nice curves, and she's made in China. Hmmm..

Okay, maybe I'll next write a song about Astoria and the journeys we had. Soon.

I texted Jenny saying I couldn't work today. Quite last minute. But it isn't entirely my fault. I was too damn beat and it's my day off. And she shouldn't be messaging me during school time. So... After getting my eyes checked, I got myself useful and went ahead to accompany my mum and sis to Sun Plaza. Oh, and that bag is...shibby. Old school shibby. Heh.. Oh well..

Note To Self:
Sometimes I do wonder, why am I writting all these here? Like telling the whole world about what's been happening in my life every now and then. It's stupid. Yeah.. It's not like the world would respond, or even give a damn or sumthin.. But then when I wonder again, maybe it's not such a bad idea afterall.. 'Cuz maybe my purpose of doing this would be to leave a trace in my life. Perhaps leaving some clues behind. Who knows what might happen tomorrow.. It's like a detective novel, so full of motives around. I'm the author, and this is my book.

The Embrace

2008-10-04T02:47:00.004+08:00

First and foremost, I'd like to wish everyone Selamat Hari Raya Aidilfitri. Yeah, I know it's like the 4th day already now. But who cares. Heh. Well, as I expected, this year's celebration isn't as happening. No mood for house visits, no mood for firecrackers.. Hmmm.. And I only went out raya-ing with the whole family on the first day. Maybe I'm growing old for this. Haha.. I feel old. And that isn't a good thing. Hmmm... But at least I still had the mood to bake those cookies and help out with the food. Oh those lovely food...

First day of raya.. Hmmm.. Well, all I can say is that I'm grateful it happened. Put aside all ego, I came clean with him. I just had to raise the matter. And I'm really glad he understood. When we embraced, it was the best feeling one could ever have. I gave him my word, and it'll be sumthin' I'll hold onto forever; a son's oath.

Oh.. And as for them, heh.. Good thing there wasn't any trouble. That reunion at the first house turned out to be smooth. Still.. Hmmm.. I just don't get it how people could be such hypocritically good actors. Kudos to them.. Sheesh! Grow up, people! How do you clan expect us to feel secure, when you guys are being so cold towards us? And oh.. I still don't know if those tears were real.. Hmmm.. I just couldn't tell. It's just so hard to believe.

Hmmm.. Enough about them. I don't feel like giving a damn anymore. Adults you are, brains you have; use them you must, and respect you'll get.

Close topic.

Class time table for next semester is out. And I've decided. School, recreation and work can go together. Yup, it'll be tiring. But I just need to do it. I'm thinking long term now. I need a plan, and I've got it. I'll be a man on a mission. Yup. I don't want to depend solely on parents. I need to start organizing myself. 3 more months and I'll be 19. And that isn't a good number. Who knows, mum might be looking for suitors soon. Ergh.. Scary. By the way, a friend is married now. At 22?! Like 3 years older than me? Marriage is now officially a taboo word in my dictionary, besides NS.

Okay. 3 songs in the making. 1 almost complete, 2 under heavy construction. And haha.. I think I'm going to scrap the idea of that progressive mathcore song. It made me go cuckoo. Man, I was like going everywhere counting weird numbers with a metronome stuck in my head. I decided to just stick to melodic punk rock. Maybe explore into mainstream pop or sumthin'. And I'm working on lyrics writing techniques. Heh. Reading more books and watching more movies to get ideas. Speaking of which, I learnt sumthin' during the hols: the science of crying when watching a Hindustani movie. Haha.. Well I managed to catch someone red-handed, who did cried while watching this film on tv. Quite funny actually. Haha.. Oh well. I'll be working on those 3 songs. Maybe they might be hits on the radio. Heh. Keep wishing, Zakaria..

Note To Self:
hmmm..
i feel lighter now
but then,
there's a slight taste of regret too..

that meet last thursday wasn't supposed to be that way
i wasn't suppose to laugh or smile when i said those words
it's hard to be serious when you're all smiling

hmmm..
actually i've got a lot more to say to you
well maybe the situation wasn't right
some things just have to wait
or better still, left unsaid.

that text message i sent you might just be the clue

i just hope you like those raya cookies i made
heh..
they didn't quite turn out as planned
but yeah..
there's always the trash bin, friend..

"to let go is not to deny,
but to accept.
to let go is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization i can't control another.
to let go does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.
to let go is to fear less and love more.."

The Crash

2008-09-25T17:43:00.003+08:00

It's been almost a week now since the news of the South Carolina Learjet 60 plane crash.. He's still under critical condition. Hmmm.. I don't know what I'll do if he dies. He is after all the reason I sat on that throne for the very first time in secondary two and started hitting stuff with a pair of wood. Please Mr Travis Barker, please don't die...at least not until Plus 44's second album's release, as well as Blink 182's not-gonna-happen reunion.

Oh.. Reunions.. Speaking of which.. It's weird how I'm not really into the mood of going out on the first day of Hari Raya next week.. Hmmm.. I just hate to see my mum getting hurt again.. But then I won't let it happen. The tides will change this time round. One stupid move they make will just spark this flame. Call me an arson; I'm just trying to protect our dignity; just like any other heroes who will save the world.

The Cage

2008-09-12T02:47:00.000+08:00

Once upon a time, there was a bird. He was adorned with two perfect wings and with glossy, colourful, marvelous feathers. In short, he was a creature made to fly about freely in the sky, bringing joy to everyone who saw him.

One day, a woman saw this bird and fell in love with him. She watched his flight, her mouth wide in amazement, her heart pounding, her eyes shining with excitement. She invited the bird to fly with her, and the two travelled across the sky in perfect harmony. She admired and venerated and celebrated the bird.

But then she thought: "He might want to visit far-off mountains!" And she was afraid , afraid that she would never feel the same way about any other bird. And she felt envy, envy for the bird's ability to fly.

And she felt alone.

And she thought: "I'm going to set a trap. The next time the bird appears, he will never leave again."

The bird, who was also in love, returned the following day, fell into the trap and was put in a cage.

She looked at the bird everyday. There he was, the object of her passion, and she showed him to her friends, who said: "Now you have everything you could possibly want." However, a strange transformation began to take place. Now that she had the bird and no longer needed to woo him, she began to lose interest. The bird, unable to fly and express the true meaning of his life, began to waste away and his feathers to lose their gloss; he rapidly grew ugly; and the woman no longer paid him any attention, except by feeding him and cleaning out his cage.

One day, the bird died. The woman felt terribly sad and spent all her time thinking about him. But she did not remember the cage, she thought only of the day she had seen him for the first time, flying contently amongst the clouds.

If she had looked more deeply into herself, she would have realized that what had thrilled her about the bird was his freedom, the energy of his wings in motion, not his physical body.

Without the bird, her life too lost all meaning, and Death came knocking at her door. "Why have you come?" she asked Death. "So that you can fly once more with him across the sky," Death replied. "If you loved and admired him even more; hence, you now need me in order to find him again."

Note To Self:
again, like they say:
if you love somebody,
let them go..

what the eyes don't see,
the heart does grieve over.

the further off they are,
the closer to the heart are all those feelings and memories that we try to repress and forget.

if we're in exile,
we want to store away every tiny memory of our roots.

if we're far away from the person we love,
everyone we pass in the streets reminds us of them.

The Metamorphosis

2008-09-01T00:01:00.001+08:00

Note To Self:
he doesn't seem to believe in me anymore.
i feel so out of place.
i can't deliver.
i can't do a single shit right.

words he said are like shooting arrows with poisoned tips,
i was hit.
deadly sarcasms filled the air,
as they corroded me.

i don't want to fight back.
i damn well can,
but i won't.

but that's where the problem lies.

when i'm all silent, assumptions will be made.
he thinks i'm being defiant,
when all i did was listen and try my best to make a change.

when i speak my mind and try to defend myself
even though i'm in the right,
i might end up raising my voice, and hurting him.
and he'll still think i'm being defiant,
when all i did was trying to explain myself.

so what exactly am i expected do?

i've solemnly promised myself.
i won't ever shed another tear.
not ever.

oh God, harden my heart.
these things they call feelings are tearing me apart.

hmmm.. i really need someone now.
i need her.
she's the only one i trust.
but then...

hmmm.... nevermind.
maybe i don't need anyone.

i don't want to be who i was back then.
even if i could, i won't.

life won't be the same.
i'll prove him wrong.
and i'll be tatooing that onto my soul.
i don't care if it'll leave a deep permanent scar.
people around us live with scars.
the only difference is that i won't be hiding it.

oh, and did i mention?
it starts today.

The River Below

2008-08-30T01:24:00.005+08:00

Being grown up isn't half as fun as growing up:
These are the best days of our lives.
The only thing that matters
Is just following your heart
And eventually you'll finally get it right..

I've never had fun like these since quite a long time. Two days straight in a row. Though I'm tired with body cramps all over, I'm not complaining. Heh. At least these two days are the best two days that have ever happened to me, in two days.

Day 1 (Thursday):
DMAT 01 class picnic at East Coast Park was awesome. The wind, the sea, the sound of the sea.. Everything was close to perfect. (which was a good thing, 'cuz apparently nuthin' in this world is perfect) Maybe it brought me temporary peace. Just sit there on the rocks, watching and listening to the waves crashing to the shore. Hmmm.. Oh, and I've never gained so much speed on my skateboard since...ever. It was heaven. I could go wherever I want, whenever I want, all by myself. Just be an escapist for a day. That cleared my mind off unpleasant thoughts. Away from reality for awhile. I'm a runaway boy, remember?

And don't forget. Everyone was great! The games, the food, etc.. It feels like a family bonding session.. Haha.. Oh well.. It'll all be kept safely in my memory.

Day 2 (Friday):
It's a day all local music enthusiasts have been waiting for.. BAYBEATS 2008! All the bands who performed today were really very good. The line up was awesome too.. Force Vomit, Leeson, Peepshow, Typecast and... Another Epic Story. Hahaha.. Those three jackasses.. Reez just went crazy on stage; forgetting his lyrics, literally flying all over the place, making unnecessary visual jokes.. While One was just keeping his cool on his side of the stage with his screams. And Qai.. Well someone finds him rather hot.. Haha.. Sorry but he's attached. Heh. Overall, everyone did their awesomest.

Oh, and Force Vomit played Siti Don't Give Up. An old classic. Haha.. Love it.

Note To Self:
these two days were a blast
but i love today more.

and that paper container with all our wishes written in it,
i just hope the river carried it away
to some place where wishes are granted..
maybe a fairy or an angel would pick it up.
heh. just wishful thinking..

but then, i know i wasted my wish
'cuz i know it won't happen.
the chances are one in a biligazillion.
that was why i included my favourite pick and a ten cent coin too.
maybe that could increase my chances of getting my wish granted,
to a one in a million, perhaps?

may all our wishes come true..

The Ire In Fire

2008-08-26T23:57:00.001+08:00

That I could do this on my own.
Now our perceptions have grown.
Branches and petals of paper and metal.
Amber tinfoil forest confines us..
And we disconnect like this is the end
We disconnect like this is the end...

The trip to the 2 recording suites just now was awesome, I guess. Meeting real engineers who actually dedicate their lives doing this line.. Envious. How I envy them having such great talents for their passion.. Individuals with their own identity, that's what they are. I'm having doubts now. Questions starting to pop everywhere. Do I really want to do this? Am I really up for it? Will this dream last..?

I'm really done messing around. From now on, I should be thinking right. We live once, remember? I don't want to blow it. I know things won't turn out perfect, we're human afterall. I'm just going to try my best, and my end result wouldn't have to be perfect at all. I just want to achieve sumthin' that I'll be proud of. Perfectionism isn't really going to bring anyone close to happiness. (maybe for you, not me.) I'm just going to open up my mind to flaws, accept them as they are, then work things out from them and finally make things happen. What's the use of living perfect, under a monotonous system? Doing the right things, just because everyone else is doing it.. Sometimes we don't need to follow rules. Men make rules because they don't dare to take up the challenges of their consequences. Sometimes you've just got to clench that fist, build that confidence and break the walls of cowardice down. Sometimes you got to do what you got to do. And from now on, I will. Savvy?

Note To Self:
it doesn't matter anymore
i can do this on my own.

should i still hold onto that hope?
that one hope that you'll change your mind..

The Fiction

2008-08-25T19:58:00.000+08:00

They say they can change today
If tomorrow was yesterday
But their faces betray the black words
Just a breath away
Caught up in their pollution
And clinging to addictions
It’s clear no truth
They believe in fiction
Hanging on fine thin threads
Invisible to the eye
All tangled up,
Definitions of their lives..

I thought of doing sumthin' productive today. So, I meddled with html codes and hence, this new blogskin. Itchy fingers. Heh. Took me hours to figure out the right colour combo that suits the baroque-ish background. Oh well, at least sumthin's done today.

So.. What else was done today? Well, I spent the afternoon window shopping with my mum. Hmmm.. It's kinda cool actually to go out with your mum around. I mean, besides paying for most of the stuff most of the time, she also injects some shopping sense into me. Heh. (oh, and i didn't live off her purse. i didn't use a single penny from her to get myself anything at the mall.. except for that awesome finger-licking biscuit at Watsons..) Anyways... I think I should try spending more time hanging out with mum.. Yeah.. Maybe she could be that someone whom I could depend on to with my secrets... Hmmm.. Maybe not. But she's still cool, though.

I think playing computer games is a waste of time.. (heh.. no offense, gamers) So I gave up playing Silent Hill 2 last night. No, not because I couldn't kill that boss. It's because it kinda surprised me how fast time flies, and that I could be somewhere doing sumthin' else different.. Start a new hobby, read some articles, jog around the neighbourhood estate, exploring the different spots in Singapore that I haven't been to... There's just a lot of things to do. (now i realize..) And I can't be spending my whole 25hours playing some game in search of some random character in a town full of mutated monsters and demons. (it's actually cool, though..) I needed a plan, and I've got it. Until next Monday, I'm going to do all these. Well at least 1/4 of the list of things to do. Yep..

Note To Self:
the hardest part isn't finding what we need to be,
it's being content with who we are.
stay who you are, zakaria..

The Catharsis

2008-08-24T22:03:00.000+08:00

To whom the tragedy shall speak
Let now their whispers be weak
Let it fill them all
The heart that's bound them
Let eyes leak
So profusely
Shadows become unbound to them
And let them love and feel joy
As the sorrow they reap
Let it well up in them for eternity
And be to others a spring
To drink from..

I hope this thing works again.. Been having that re-directing issue to some game website.. I don't know if you guys experienced it though. Well, on a brighter note, it's a good thing it doesn't relink you to some corny website. Heh.. Oh well..

Hmmm.. I think I might end up cracking my head afterall.. Come to think of it, he's right. I should start acting my age. It's not that I'm still childish, no. I think what he meant was that I should be thinking like how typical adults do? Okay, now that's the problem. He always makes me think. I know I can't be perfect, well at least not as perfect as him, but I do use my brains. I'm never complaining whenever I'm being nagged at. And that definitely doesn't show that I'm weak. No. That's because I don't want to fight back. Why? Because they've always brought me up to respect. Shit, I don't want to bring this matter up. I've never complained, and I never will.. Okay maybe I will one day when I'm really pushed to the ledge. But till then, my principle still stands: I won't raise my voice on him.

Note To You:
you've raised me well, pups..
i just need you to know that i can't be like you
i can try, though i almost got sick trying
but i can't guarantee it'll be flawless
and i just hate that you hate flaws
and i hate myself whenever i'm nowhere near expectations..

give me a chance to prove myself worthy, will you?

The Story Of A Flame

2008-08-22T22:30:00.000+08:00

Secrets and irises open the door
To a pride of lions and murder of crows
No one knows how it begins
But I sure know how it'll end...

When they say old flames die hard, they really know what they're saying.. Okay, maybe the flame on that Olympic torch isn't that old, although it too die hard. And I would be lying if I were to say that I forgot my first love. Heh. That was way back then in late secondary 2.. Haha.. Monkey love. It was sweet as ever, though it was bitter-er than anything I've ever tasted. And I'm not blaming anyone for it's 'brevity'. We were all young and stupid. Okay, maybe not we, just I.

Yep, I don't think anyone really knows what love really stands for. It's definitely not for:

Look,
Observe,
Verify,
Enjoy.

Well, that's what everyone seemed to be doing.. It's more to it than just those 4 letters.. At that time, why can't it be:

Listen,
Overlook,
Value,
Encourage?

Oh well.. I guess we're too young to understand.. Maybe the term monkey see monkey do applies in this situation back then. Hmmm..

Maybe the flame of a friendship lasts longer than anything else.. It dies harder.

Note To Self:
i'm the same old me
you're the same old you
it's awesome that we're back

and i love the rain..

The Army Of One

2008-08-20T20:46:00.000+08:00

One word: heisonefreakinawesomedrummerdudethatwillblowyourmindoffyourbrain. Enough said.

The Fog

2008-08-19T23:50:00.000+08:00

The sun is setting, a distant hill
Pour the bottles at the horizon
The water tower bleeds from the heat
Paint the sun, guess my reaction
No retreat, not even in sleep
Days with a new direction

Take that step to the night
Beyond all that has created you
Dead, empty stares
Strike back with the hate of a young man's heart
Sing where you don't dare
I'll meet you there
We're the sunset in the end..

So the holidays are here.. Strangely now, I hardly feel a thing. Okay, now what? Stuck at home with hardly anything to do besides watching online tv shows, getting my ass kicked in video games, finding faults with my sis.. Hmmm.. And I just got some tragic news from my dad: there won't be monthly allowance for two months. Oh wow.. Great.

Note To Self:
like dude, we really need a plan..

oh, and every time my phone beeps,
i get all nervous
but it turns out to be not from you..

maybe i should lay low for a while..

The Heretic

2008-08-17T20:03:00.000+08:00

Inevitably
It's starting to bleed
And couldn't be stopped, that's justice
Incredible luck, to lift and be struck
What curious things..

Let us embrace the thought of going progressive. Heh. Yeah.. Once again, progressive math rock managed to bedazzle the mind of young-and-hopeless-but-not-stupid Zakaria. Okay, so The Sound Of Animal Fighting is awesome.

RX Bandits + Anthony Green + more members of other great bands = shibby.

Walking With Your Ghost is currently in the making. I hope it'll turn out as visioned. Heh. So I'm left with the lyrics, drums and everything else, perhaps? Well at least I've got the intro done. It's going to be progressive post-hardcore. Sweetos.

One more song is also in the making. And no, it won't be close to progressive at all.
Just sumthin' laid back and acoustic. Hmmm.. Simple is the word. It's still untitled though. Verse 1 down. So maybe I'll be writing verse 2 tonight? Maybe..

Writing new material is tough now, I guess.. Especially with the presence of MX vs ATV: Unleashed in my laptop. Heh. (it's a dirt bike racing game by the way) So yeah.. Since I couldn't have a dirt bike, I might as well own a virtual one. It's a fair compensation. Yeaaah. Oh, and I might also end up writing songs about motocross racing..... Not. Okay, it's stupid. I won't even think about it.

Note To Self:
zakk, we need a plan.

The Escape

2008-08-14T21:46:00.000+08:00

A library full of fictitious books
A notebook full of dreams, I am.
My head is a haven for the ideals
That drool off your lips.
An escape.
Escape, I am.

Tomorrow's officially the last of school. Well technically.. Heh. I'd probably come back whenever I'm bored to work on stuff on Logic. A new project, maybe? Oh, and speaking of which, One still haven't give me a nudge regarding AES's recording. Hmmm.. I wonder how they're handling it, since the pc their studio used to store the session files crashed.. I just hope they managed to save and recover those sessions and that their EP could be released before their Baybeats set. I just hate system breakdowns.

School's out, and I guess I've got to get back to work. No, it won't be Delifrance again. I think I'm officially going to resign. Yeah, sign some paper, and get my $60 deposit.. I've got 2 jobs in mind, though. I think they're better left unsaid for now..

Oh yeah.. I totally forgot to mention yesterday's theory paper. Well.. It was 'in-control'. Heh. Except for the history MCQ part and that Happy Birthday song, everything's A-Okay. I'm expecting a C+. Too low, huh? Hmmm.. At least it's higher than C, which I keep getting for that module. And the higher my hopes go, the more lethal the fall. I don't want that to entirely destroy my 'growing passion' for music theory. Heh. Right.. Growing passion.. My foot. Hey, at least I've tried my best.. So yeah.. We'll all wait patiently for the results soon..

Now let's talk about today. Amin called during performance class, asking to hang out.. I kinda sensed sumthin's wrong. So I met him up at Civics Library.. We talked while we walked.. It's been a long time, dude.. Heh. We headed to Marina Square. Planned to go catch a movie. Someone hasn't watched Batman yet.. (nyiahaha..) Anyways, they're not showing The Dark Knight anymore.. (nyiahaha... oops. eherm.. sorry dude..) So we headed to Esplanade instead.. We toured around the library. And I found awesome mallet percussion technical studies and repertoires. Heh. Hmmm.. I might just change my profession instrument for performance class now.. Heh.. Anyways, I really had fun today. Just like the good old secondary school days.. Shibby.

Note To Amin:
dude, i understand how you feel.. it always blows to be the underdog.. but never lose hope, man.. never give up trying. every problem has solutions to it. at the same time, don't blow your head off.. if i could do it, so can you.. so chill yeah..

and as for her, at least you still have a chance to go tell her.. it's never too late, yet. and you'll never know until you try.. well as for me i've tried, and i don't think i've any hope left to hold onto.. but you still do. go for it, dude. a friendly advice, just don't hold onto any high hopes that would kill you. it killed me.. i've had enough. i guess i'll be giving up on love now. and it'll take quite a miracle for me to feel the same again. we live once. die once. you've only got one shot, do not miss your chance to blow. this opportunity comes once in a lifetime, yo.

The Wake Up Call

2008-08-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

What home is left for us to find?
When we have left the past behind,
When we are left so little time…

Music theory test this Wednesday is so gonna be driving me into paranoid android mode. I've got to make it this time. And I don't wanna get all depresso again. Maybe I've had enough. It's always the case in which music theory test means its all downhill from here. I've got to prove to myself. Tonight, cover 4-part writing, 7th chords, cadences and a little bit music history.. Hopefully things get absorbed.

Note To Self:
i shouldn't indulge myself in this
work's got to come first for now
okay maybe after wednesday i'll continue indulging myself again with these thoughts
but now things have got to wait...

i miss you.

The Rewind Button

2008-08-09T21:49:00.000+08:00

Note To You:
hey.. i'm sorry
maybe i didn't think the last time
maybe i was too driven by emotions
but now i understand..
you just woke me up
and you taught me a lot
about life
about family
about being responsible
about being appreciative...

don't worry
everything's going to be alright..
like i told you umpteen times:
everything happens for a reason

so don't worry, i'll catch you
when you fall

"i don't think i ever told you
but i know you always did your best.
and the hard times,
they only made us stronger.."

"do you ever feel like crying?
do you ever feel like giving up?
i raise my hands up towards the sky,
i say this prayer for you tonight,
because nothing is impossible.."

"if you just hold on for one more second
just hold on to what you have
if you just hold on, just hold on
you will wake up tomorrow.."

those lyrics are so true
and they speak for me

maybe i can't hold you
maybe i can't change the way you feel about me
but i know i can try make you feel better
and i'll always be there to give you a hand..

my ears are always open if you need a target to scream at..
and i won't ask for anything back, i promise.. ;)

The Optimistic Pessimist

2008-08-06T23:41:00.000+08:00

Note To Self:
alright..
i think i've made up my mind
i'll stop playing this game again
falling in love, falling apart
it always goes that way
i've had enough
and it's making me sick
like literally
i went for my medical check up yesterday
just to check the frequent migraines and chest discomforts
its nuthin serious
well that's what i heard
i was actually expecting sumthin much worst
oh well..
my time's not up yet, i guess

and as for you,
i just hope you meant every word you said just now
and i hope the things i said to you will make you think
and don't worry, i won't bring up this matter ever again
that sms i sent to you moments ago would be the last time i'll touch about this matter
at least now i know where i stand
and i won't be dreaming of chasing a shadow
speaking of which,
i knew those dreams of you meant sumthin
they're just a reminder

you're lucky i'm not like them
i'm a man of second chances
i won't hold anything back, that i promise
i won't change a bit
and like i told you, i'll still be the Zakaria you knew

and it's okay

but just in case anything happens,
when i'm gone,
i just hope you'll remember me...

friends? friends.. ;)

The Heartbreak

2008-08-05T21:19:00.000+08:00

Note To Self:
i know it will happen some day, but i've never thought it'll be this soon..
things just happen so damn fast,
so fast i didn't get a chance to react..

hmmm.. i've been digging my own grave from the start
yes i know, and i shouldn't have pushed my luck this far
i've been digging it in too deep now,
and as predicted, the deeper the hole, the deeper and harder the fall..

and i'm always the stupid one making the stupid moves..
i should've known it wasn't a good idea to give her that gift
i shouldn't have done all those stupid things just to make her that gift
well, i thought maybe a little huge sacrifice would make her happy
and she doesn't even have to know what i went through for it
i'm not asking for anything back in return too
well at least a smile from the heart, maybe?
if i'd known better, i would've just stick to that candy
and maybe things wouldn't end up this way..

i never knew speaking my mind would make a big difference
yes things changed, for the worst of the worst..
and why do people change so easily?
hmmm i wonder..
the change is so drastic that i don't feel like i know that person any more

(now who's avoiding who now? i'm not them, remember?)

i shouldn't have followed my heart to tell her the truth
heh.. just as i thought i've built enough confidence to finally tell a girl how i felt..
imagine free falling without a parachute from the KLCC tower..
*splat*

anyways thanks friends for all the motivation
to that someone in my tagboard
it really boosted my confidence to tell her
heh.. after a very long time, zakaria...
since end of sec 2, maybe?
but then all that confidence just disappear.
like you press the reset button in a game,
only to find out you haven't saved yet..

now back to square one..
you're not the same..
i should've known..
some things are better left unsaid..

how i wish i was a mute
it'll be easier, won't it?

well done, zakaria..
kudos for your stupidity.

okay now someone throw me a rope..

[ps: i just hope she found that hidden note behind the CD.. or maybe found out about this blog so she could read everything i wrote since day one.. but then again, some things are just better not to be known.. she won't understand anyway.. and i'm not asking her to be my girlfriend.. just someone whom i could turn to through my ups and downs... if only she understands...]

The Twist In His Story

2008-08-02T20:16:00.000+08:00

Well sometimes things just don't go the way they're planned, and the planner always hates himself when such things happens.. Hmmm.. I guess we're only human.. Who are we to determine everything.. ? God knows best.. And I've always believe that everything happens for a reason.. Oh well..

Sorry.. I don't think I'll blog about it.. You see, when people tell stuff, they feel light. The feeling is like their so called 'burden' is finally off their shoulders, and soon they'll totally forget all about it.. And I damn well won't want to forget about it. It has got to leave a mark in my life. It's the first time I did something out of one's ordinary mind. Oh and even if I write about it, I doubt anyone would believe it happened. So yeah.. Everything happens for a reason..

ps: Happy 18th birthday, Emma.. :]

Note To Self:
one humid night
one blurry sight
one gift of sweat and tears
one million feelings of hopes and fears
one boy
one mission
one strong intuition
2 whole hours
9 bystanders
13 over missed calls
one heart shatters

but it won't pull me down again
my gameboy theory:
hero dies - game over - reset - load saved game - restart level

The Anti-Hero In Us All

2008-07-27T23:32:00.000+08:00

Wow.. It's been quite some time since I last felt this free.. On my weekend that is.. Heh. Okay, so i have my space back.. Woo! It felt kinda weird initially, 'cuz I'd usually wake up early around 6.30am on my Saturdays and get ready for work by 7.30am. So yeah.. I stopped work for a while. Probably an indefinite hiatus.. Heh.. It's not that I hate the job.. Maybe I'd like to try newer stuff. Something related to music, perhaps? I was thinking of a music CD store.. It'll be just like heaven. Haha.. Just think about, you get to get hold on to the latest records, discover new music.. Oooh.. But it's gonna be a wee bit tough getting a part time job at some place like that.. Hmmm.. They'll normally be looking for full timers.. Oh well, maybe I'll just quit school and then work full time at some music CD shop.. Cool huh..?

Oh.. And I got to watch Troy again last night. This time on TV. Woo! I watched TV! Heh.. It's still one forever awesome epic movie.. Shibby.

By the way, our DVPT shooting is halfway done. The casts are awesome.. Ahaha..

Note To Self:
it's getting pretty near
really very near
the days are so countable with fingers
and i'm getting pretty nervous
hmmm.. booyah?

The Dejavu II

2008-07-19T00:12:00.000+08:00

Dreams. Why do they always feel so real? They're like a theater of our own illusions; a stage in which everyone plays a part. Only in mine, you're always the leading lady, and I always play the victim.. oh well..

ps: that mixtape is almost ready.

Note To Self:
do you care if i don't know what to say?
will you sleep tonight, will you think of me?
will i shake this off, pretend it's all okay?
that there's someone out there who feels just like me,
there is..

The Static Tonight

2008-07-16T23:57:00.001+08:00

Note To Self:
this awkward silence makes me crazy..
hmmm..

The Morning Waits

2008-07-13T23:34:00.000+08:00

Just hold on in there, Zakaria.. Semester's gonna end soon. It'll be over in no time. Till then, play time's got to wait.. Oh God.. 3 major assignments to go..

Oh.. But despite all the strained time, I managed to write 2 new songs. Heh. Still incomplete though.. On the way. Hmmm.. Acoustic, maybe..?

Note To Self:
the fireworks last night were awesome.
how i wish there were more.
hmmm.. you should've seen your own eyes..

how i wish life's a tape;
play, stop, rewind, play..

The Sticks And Stones

2008-07-08T04:03:00.000+08:00

One word: Shibby.

Note To Self:
talk to me, if there's ever a need to
i'm all ears..

use me like a punching bag, kick me if it calms you
i'm all yours..

The New Old Portait

2008-07-07T02:32:00.000+08:00

I'm as good as new.. Heh. Today was awesome. What happened at work really made my day. I don't know, I just felt jumpy.. Siao.. Maybe because nothing went wrong. No wrong orders, no trouble-searching-messed-up customers.. Maybe because I feel really comfortable with the new short hair.. And Shafiq was singing those old pop songs like a broken record player. Just name it, Backstreet Boys, Britney Spears... He got it.. Hmmm.. The weird thing was, that I was singing along with him too! Haha. Jackass..

Oh, and I guess being jumpy really paid off.. I got 9 bucks as tips from 2 separate customers.. Sweeet.. Haha..

Today was also Shi Yu's last day.. Well, she's not exactly resigning.. She'll be on a 3-month break till her exams are over.. Aww.. So now it'll only be me and Shafiq now that she's leaving.. Oh well.. Weekends will still be as crazy with Shafiq around.. Heh.

And I finally got his 80gb iPod.. I need to return him a favour.. So yeah.. Whatever I'm listening to, he'll be listening to them too.. Get the hint?

By the way, this new song on my blog is really awesome.. Heh. I don't know.. I just like it. Perhaps it's the melody.. The lyrics are also very real. Hmmm.. Oh well.. I've got to broaden my music genre anyways.. Cheers.

Note To Self:
maybe it's true.. :)

The Memory Remains

2008-07-01T20:17:00.000+08:00

To that "someone" on the tagboard:
Hmmm.. It's hard.. It isn't as easy as it's supposed to be.. Well, you know, some things in the past just tend to affect the present and the future drastically.. I have my reasons.

Note To Self:
it'll have to take more time..
i'm still trying to break this psychological barrier..
and i'm really trying very hard...

The Comeback Kid

2008-06-23T01:37:00.000+08:00

Boo. Haha.. Rock on.

The Casus Belli

2008-06-22T20:49:00.000+08:00

Note To Self:
to think too much,
to die too soon.
to laugh too little,
my life be brittle.

and i'm way too young to die.
it's too soon to say goodbye.

so why think?

\m/

The Plague You Just Can't Kill

2008-06-20T23:51:00.000+08:00

I managed to recover fast from yesterday's anguish. Well, it occurred again. And I think it was amongst the worst that's ever happened.. Hmmm.. Fagg. My head almost blew up. I felt really terrible.. So terrible I was comparable to a pile of crap. Even a pile of crap isn't as worthless - they can still be used as fertilizers. I just.. Hmmm.. Oh fuck it. It's pointless to tell anyway.. But I really needed someone to talk to at that point of time.. But then again, I was having second thoughts.. I wouldn't want others to feel like shit too, would I? Man, if only I could pen down or even draw out what I was thinking and show it to the world...

(And thanks Aziz.. So sorry I just had to go off during our conversation.. Hope you understand, dude..)

Hmmm.. At least the sunset and the sight of kids laughing and running around with their happy family at Vivocity calmed me down.. And of course, the many couples that were around.. They just made me more envious. Oh well..

ps: Oh.. And hey.. I understand your situation. Your bro needed you. No need to apologize, yeah.. And thanks for the advice.. Cheers.

Note To Self:
the things that are reason enough for me to keep going on..
- my mum
- music
- you

The Not Now But Later

2008-06-18T23:52:00.000+08:00

Please stay until I'm gone
I'm here hold on to me I'm right here
Waiting
And take my one last breath,
And don't forget that I will be right here
Waiting..

Note To Self:
can you stay a little while longer?
at least until i say those 3 words
please don't leave just yet
please..

The Unspoken

2008-06-16T23:53:00.000+08:00

Many things left unsaid
Build up like tar in lungs

I'm suffocating

I breathe in darkness
The only thing that will embrace me
The only something I deserve

Never exhaling

Saving others from the smoke
No one should feel my pain
Nobody should even know

Never talking

I stay seated with my mouth shut

Only inhaling

Many things untold
Build up like piles of waste

I'm decaying

Wishing to cry out apologies
To those who called me friend
Not letting them close enough to know

I feel haunted
And it is my own fault.

Note To Self:
you can't make everyone happy.
i've tried.
it's impossible.

The March Of The Infantry Infants

2008-06-07T23:57:00.000+08:00

Our set tonight can only be described in two words and only two words:

so fuggin' awesome!

The stage was completely ours. Ahaha.. We gave them all one bad-ass performance. And yeah, we also exceeded the original time limit of 5 minutes playing time. We did erm.. a 10 minutes show? Haha.. So here's the outline of what happened..

2pm: I managed to ask my manager for an early release. Luck was on my side. She let me off at 1.57pm.
2.30pm: Quickly rushed off to Amin's void deck. Met the rest there. Helped out carrying the mixer and amps and other shit into the car. Reached school 10 minutes later.
3pm - 5.30pm: We tested our equipment. Mic'd up the amps, plugged everything into our portable mixer. Problems arised. Managed to fixed it. Full rehearsal commenced. Everything went smooth. Oh and the other bands performing were awesome too.. But we were the awesomest. Heh.
6pm: Washed up at one the school toilets. Felt fresh. And I smelt nice too. Hee.. Anyways, we had our free 'dinner' soon after that. 'Dinner' = a small box of white rice, green vegetable, some chicken chunks and a soap-like fishcake. No wonder it's free.. But then, it made me full. Haha.. Free stuff are always fulfilling..
7.30pm: Everyone was all dressed up in cool smart outfits.. All except us. Hahaha! We were just being ourselves. We were the slackest attired band there. Erm.. Let's see.. I was only wearing my black 3-quarters and Delifrance top uniform and my Vans snickers? Jackass.. Wooo..
7.45pm: It began. And shit, a couple of shit happened. This guitarist from another band spoiled his FAB distortion pedal. The keyboard for another band is not producing any sound from its amp. I looked at Yu Wei, the performance coordinater. I could see panic in her eyes.. Ooohh. And the curtains were already opened. So I just helped out trying to fix the keyboard problem. And it worked! Ahaha.. And as for the guitarist, one of my band members just told him to screw his pedal and make do with the settings in the amp. Voila.
8.15pm: The stage was empty. Audiences were waiting for sumthin they were unsure of. I looked at my band mates. Amin and Syamil gave that grin. Next thing we knew, everyone of us were grinning. It's time. The moment we came out from the backstage and started walking to our instruments, the crowd just went wild. Who wouldn't.. I think it's because of Syamil. Heh. I was bewildered by the crowd. Didn't expect it would be that many. So while the rest were starting up their amps, Syamil gave me the cue to start. And so we began..

Blitzkreig Bop by The Ramones was our first song. It was supposed to be a build up. To pump up the mood. It was really crazy when we heard the crowd go "Hey ho, let's go!" along with Syamil. And I swear I heard someone screamed my name out loud. Sadly, it was a coarse guy's voice.. Ergh.. We pulled through the first song.. Round 1, over. Now for round 2..

Dammit by Blink 182 was our second song for our medley. Heee.. Our forte. And and and.... Guess what, remember this line in the song:

"The steps that/I retrace/The sad look/On your face/The timing/And structure/Did you hear/You ........ her"

We just couldn't resist but to breakdown for one bar and scream out that word in the blank out loud. So loud that people didn't actually notice we were swearing! Ahaha.. Hmm.. What's the word again.. Duck? Luck? Oh right.. Fuck.

We ended our medley with an instrumental, Grab The Devil By The Horns by Sum 41. It was sweet. Haha.. I just love the part when our 3 guitarists synchronized headbanging while playing their riffs. And I was like at the back swinging my whole arms while crashing the cymbals and snare. It's great to know that everyone was enjoying ourselves on stage. We had that 'fuck the sound system, let's fucking rock the stage' attitude. And yeah...

ON 7TH JUNE 2008,
SINISTER INFANTS
ROCKED THE STAGE OF
RIVERSIDE SEC HOMECOMING!

Next stop: the world? Heh. All in all, I'd like to thank us all for making things happen. Amin, Hamzah, Iswan, Syamil and Zakaria.. AND special thanks to Abdul Aziz for always being there for us. Hmmm.. I still can't believe that we still made it after so many shit that happen. A band started in sec 2, formed by 5 jackasses.. Many came and went, but in the end, we stick to our original casts. Haha.. I so love this band. It's the only one place I could be myself. Thanks guys.

Okay. Now I'm gonna start doing some compositions for us. Next stop would be Singapore Polytechnic. Count on that. Till then.. Cheers and rock on. \m/

The End Is Forever

2008-06-05T21:00:00.000+08:00

Here's a mathematical problem sum for you to solve:

Amin, Aziz, Hamzah, Iswan, Syamil and Zakaria (in alphabetical order) went for their jamm rehearsal session on one Thursday afternoon at studio A, which charges at $16 per hour. They rehearsed for 2 hours. At the end of the session, Hamzah, Syamil, Zakaria and Amin gave the owner $10, $10, $10 and $5 respectively. If Zakaria received and kept the $3 change, how much money must each of them receive from or pay each other such that everyone contributes $6.40 for the whole jamming session?

Meanwhile, while you're cracking your heads trying to figure out the solution, here are some updates. Firstly, it's 2 more days till Riverside Homecoming. Kinda nervous about it though.. Heh. Ours would be the second set, if I'm not wrong.. I just hope I won't get screwed.. Shit. The rehearsal's at 2pm and I'll only end work at 4pm. How convenient.. Well, god speed guys.. We'll rock the stage.

Next, I'm still thinking whether to use Better Left Unsaid for my REMT song.. Heh. When fickle-minded-ness attacks.. Well, we'll decide tomorrow. I've got a melody and a few lines stuck in my head now. Kinda last minute.. Heh. But I don't think it'll be good if I use this new song.. Haven't got the right arrangement yet. But then again... It might be the best song, OR the worst song.. We'll see tomorrow when Logic is accessible. Oh, and by the way, the lyrics are going to be.. erm.. weird. Haha.. A result of too much thinking..

Finally, my weekly practice session will start once I get at least half of my assignments done. I really need to brush up my drums knowledge.. Maybe experiment new stuff. I've got to upgrade myself fast. Percussions, it's the only category of instrument I can really shine. And rhythms just happens to be the only one thing I'm most comfortable doing. Hmmm.. Oh the pressure and the loads of work to do.. Well, if Evan can do it, why not me? Heh.

Ciao.

Note To Self:
this new song's gonna be the most mushy-est song i've ever written about a girl.
haha.. weirdly mushy.
a wee bit heavy though.. haha.
till then..

The Glow

2008-06-04T22:01:00.000+08:00

Note To Self:
It's not the eyes, but the glance.
It's not the lips, but the smile.
It's not the skin, but the touch.

I'm bedazzled.

The Disco.r.dance

2008-06-01T22:09:00.000+08:00

Fallen angel how you've changed
Poison runs through your veins
You were never a saint but now you're a sin
Spoiled rotten from within
Who clipped your wings so useless?
Cut them yourself?
Chewed off your own?
Good thinking
You were coming apart and I thought I could help you
Through the fever
Not the first one
Not the last one
I'm not sorry for you
I remember a time when everything that you knew I thought I already knew in my mind
And I thought you knew the same
I know the truth will set you free
Cracked and crazy baby

Hmmm.. Music exploration is awesome. It's a wonder how you could twitch the fundamentals here and there and make it sound weirdly you. Experimentations.. I don't know, it just struck me. Irregular discordance time signatures, constantly changing.. Dissonant chords and multi-timbrel usage that cause emotional outburst. And finally, sumthin that I cannot resist, the complex, out-of-this-world rhythmic structures = awesome drum rhythms.

Found a few bands doing that. All that mathcore, math rock, minimalist and experimental music. I'm like hooked to The Fall of Troy, AUM and 65daysofstatic now. Heh. One of my new goals to achieve this year is to do math rock for either REMT or MIDI. I know it's going to receive a lotta of critics 'cuz majority won't understand it or even like it. It'll be noise pollution to them. Well screw it. At least I know that Spicer's going to appreciate it. Heh. Maybe it could be my signature art piece ever. I'm still exploring. Till then..

Note To Self:
i shed tears while wishing upon a star
one, 'cuz the star was blinking way fast
two, 'cuz it was moving when it's not supposed to
three, 'cuz i think it was an airplane
four, 'cuz i kept on wishing despite knowing the fact that it's an airplane
and five, 'cuz i know even if it was a star, my wish won't be granted

and i dreamt of you
yet again
it was a sweet one
so sweet that i cursed myself for waking up..

The Super-nothing

2008-05-22T21:12:00.000+08:00

Note To Self:
what you said to her just now really kinda pierced into my heart.
it burned a hole through it,
a hole so big i'll never forget what you said..

i know i don't stand a chance,
and so i'm treasuring every single moment now.
well at least i'll have these memories to myself,
when i'm down there all alone six feet under.

The Birthday Jamboree

2008-05-21T21:14:00.000+08:00

Happy Birthday Zul & Aidah!

To The Bestest Bro In The Whole Wide Universe
You're 17 Now
Though You're Always So Bigger Than Me
One More Year To 18
Hope You're Ready To Set Sail On This Huge Ocean Of Young Adulthood
Stay Big

To The Bestest Sis In The Whole Wide Universe
Happy 15
Irritating, You Are
Sometimes To The Point That You're Prone To Being Ignored
But That Just Makes You So Special
Never Stop To Irritate

Yours Truly,
Your Jack-To-Your-Ass-18-Year-Old Bro
So Full Of Shibby-ness

The Melancholic Dejection

2008-05-21T21:13:00.000+08:00

To watch as bright blue and red lights flail the air
So mystical while asking yourself
Why stupidity follows your every move?
Wretchedness
Witchcraft and parody
Sublime my mind
Fester, squeal and scream
Some things are just meant to happen
Most fates are disagreeable
Often paradoxes of each other
Hexagonal diagrams cannot describe life
But merely how to be meek
Allowing such harsh futile sounds into my mind
Is somehow calming and fertile
Until the transition, that is
Coalesce to control
Confer and infer
All space within this voided proximity
These spirits don't haunt with haste
But many speak and scream
And scream they must
For they have labours that shadow
Amplitudes of white noise surround my head
I cannot even read my own thoughts anymore
I am finished
Erased, destroyed and cut out
It matters not about perspective
I give into the pressure
To let it collapse my entirety
My darkened spiral of love
I despise the plague that I am
This is no more
I am no more
There is no pain, anymore
Nothing can hurt me
Nothing can stop me
I am the alpha and omega
The beginning and the end
Erased, destroyed, finished
And all is left silent.

Note To Self:
as long as i don't think about it,
i am fine..
hell, i feel better.

nuthin' can dominate my mind.

my life,
my control.

The Marbles In Your Mouth

2008-05-19T21:15:00.000+08:00

Been trying to update. But I couldn't find the right words to type. Heh. Bummer.. If only it's possible to pen down every single thoughts in our heads by simply thinking hard about it and staring at this laptop screen.. And then *POOF*, all your thoughts would appear on a Word document you just opened, and it'll be as good as how you type them all down. Heh. Wishful thinking..

Okay.. So what's been happening in my life.. Well, there's just too much to say, but all of which are like being left unsaid. Maybe they're better off unsaid. Or are they..? Heh.. Alright, maybe I'll share a bit or two.. It won't kill, right?

Hmmm.. I think I'm becoming more and more self-restrained, in the sense that I hardly speak my mind at all. Verbally. I don't know.. I feel like I'm no different than a mute. Okay, even a mute knows how to say "fuck you" using his own sign languages.. Man.. It sucks. Really. I hate myself for that.. And I just hate it when people start to judge. Like.. Imagine this situation.. You don't have anything much to say or just don't know what to say, but the other party expects you to say something. So you remain silent. Within a few minutes, the other party would then think that you're a low-life anti-social, who doesn't mix with others, and then go around telling everyone about it. Sheesh.. F-tart. (well, that's just the way they are, huh.. they never change.)

Well sometimes I just really feel like shutting myself off from the world. You know, like standing in the background and not getting involved. Just watch as the world goes round, as a spectator.. I wonder how this world would be if I cease to exist.. You know it's really interesting when you notice something that others don't.. Like how that girl looks at that guy secretly, and how that other guy reacts when he catches that girl looking at that guy secretly.. But then again, you know it's also frustrating when you can't stop observing the world around you.. Like you get stuck in your own dimension. Shit.

I need a spark. Just a tiny one. A tiny spark that'll set the world on fire.

Introversion's getting worst. Gotta break that barrier. Fast.

Note To Self:
confidence.
so hard to build,
so easy to collapse..

oh..
and sleep is also known as i'm awake.
my eyes are shut,
but i'm still aware of what's going on around me.

i'm in control..
i think.

this doesn't make sense..
this song tells it best.

The One Mind And A Million Thoughts

2008-05-07T21:17:00.000+08:00

"If you love something, let it go.."

What a catchphrase, huh.. An obvious contradiction, yet it makes perfect sense. It's hard, I know. I mean, having to let go of something so precious in your life, it's like taking away an arm. Torturous? Maybe.. But wouldn't it be much more torturing, if we have to wake up every single day, thinking about it, and not being able to move on..?

Thinking about it makes me sad.. Yeah, it's easier said than done. Heh. I don't know, it somehow reminds me of my late Grandmother.. In a way, that is.. Reminiscences.. Though it has all became a history of the past, it seems so yesterday.. Man, I've never expected her to go so fast. I loved her more than anything else.. And I still do. She's someone nobody could ever replace.. But then.. Maybe God loves her more than I do.

"If you love something, let it go.."

That's the same phrase someone told me the day she passed away.. But I couldn't.. I just...can't. I couldn't accept the fact that someone who'd do anything to see us family happy, gone. Just like that. Hmmm.. I thought about her everyday.. But soon, I realized that I couldn't be living in denial anymore. "Get over it, Zakaria, or let it haunt you for the rest of your life.." Well, it took me 3 months to finally let her go.. It was tough as hell, but I just had to..

"If you love someone, let him/her go.."

So yeah.. It's a cliche, I know.. But nothing lasts forever. Maybe it's not fated. Maybe it's already being written. Nobody knows.. Think about it.

Note To Self:
if you love something, let it go.
if it comes back to you, it's yours forever.
if it doesn't, then it was never meant to be...

oh..
and our conversation just now struck me into writing this..
heh..

The Shadow I'll Cast

2008-05-06T21:18:00.000+08:00

I feel tired and sleepy. And tired. And sleepy. But I just can't get myself to sleep.. Pfffttt...

Why? Hmmm..

Anyways.. Fourtones Studio rocks. Heh. Ultimately because the drum kit just happens to be my dream kit. Serious shit.. Tight skins, awesome setup and arrangement, shinny and crispy cymbals, and finally, Iron Cobra double pedals! Man, it should be placed in my bedroom... Heh. And I've never felt so pumped up and happy before when playing the drums.. Such shibby-ness.. I'm gonna be a regular there. Count on that..

Okay.. I'mm'a try to sleep now.. Cheers.

Note To Self:
i hope you've given enough thought to it..

A Day Like This

2008-05-02T21:19:00.000+08:00

A day to remember
A day to forget
A day to remind you of those times we had

A day to ponder upon
A day to portray
A day to relate to what happened today

A day in the present
A day in the past
A day in our future, forever it'll last

A day full of memories
A day full of bliss
It's a day of us together, a day like this..

Note To Self:
i love today.
thank you...

The Red Sweater

2008-04-19T21:21:00.000+08:00

If my life's a freakin' 537-page hard cover book, would you go read it? Hmmm.. Oh well.. Anyways, it's been officially one week of school since it reopened last Monday. So.. How's school, you might ask...? Well, school's been pretty cool. Haha.. Like it's the best thing that happened since Hari Raya.. I just so love our new modules.. Awesome. Totally.. Performance module was great. (heee..) And so was DVPT. Cool stuff we get to learn. What..our own music videos maybe? Who knows.. Hmmm..

I'm enjoying school. Every single moment of it. I don't know.. Maybe it's because we're a year senior than the freshies..? Or maybe it's because of the 'environment'.. Heh. Whatever it is, I just love going to school.. (heee..)

Okay. Updates.. Well, I've finally changed my phone. I just needed a new phone so bad. My old phone's giving me a whole lotta problems.. Anyhoots, it is red in colour. (actually i'm still in denial.. trying not think that it's actually hot pink..) So yeah.. My phone is red. I don't really care what it could do, so long as I could call and send/receive text messages.. Oh, and did I mention that my phone is red?

And due to the new phone, I'm a wee bit tight on finance for now. Need to save up a lot. Important birthdays are coming. And I need my own guitar. And fast. I feel guilty using Syamil's electric guitar. Hmmm.. And thus, I need to earn myself some cold hard cash. Tiring I know.. I don't mind if I don't get the things that I want.. But I really got to get those presents first. There are 2 birthdays next month, and a significant one 4 months down the road.. I need to be responsible in spending my money. Must.. resist.. PSP...

I Heart Emoviolence II gig was today, at Music Garage. So I went there straight after work. Tiring I know.. Heh. I met One and Qai at the fruit stall at the end of Bugis Village. Damn I miss those two.. Haha.. Qai had to send his girlfriend to get some stuff, so it was only me and One. By the time we reached the place, AUM was playing. Damn they were tight! A three-piece post punk band doing weird time signatures and heavy riffs and crazy drum fills was all enough to bewilder me. They were smokin' hot! Oh, and did I mention that the drummer, Junaidi, happens to be a friend of mine's sister's boyfriend? Ahaha.. It's a small world, afterall.. Like hey, he tapped my back and asked if I was Ain's friend! He actually recognizes me.. Sweeet huh..? (heee..) One more thing.. The bassist looks like Iswan's dad. Could it really be him..? Pam pam pammm....

Finally, after a couple more bands performed, My Precious took the stage. My FREAKIN' Precious!! Wooo! First time I saw them live, and God, I was impressed. Awesome showmanship, great new songs, one hell of an experience. A lot of guys were doing crowd surfing, like boats on a sea of music fanatics. Ahaha.. And I managed to recover from a potential dislocated left arm. The same arm I dislocated a few months back. Heh. It just went numb for awhile when I was helping out in the crowd surf. Scary. Haha.. But like I said, I recovered from it fast enough to enjoy another crowd surf. Hmmm.. My Precious really owned the stage tonight. Kudos to them..

It's been a real tiring day today. And I still have madrasah tomorrow at 8.30am and then work at 5pm till closing. Tiring I know..

Hmmm.. Let's side track for awhile now.. It was quite a test today also. I almost did sumthin' wrong and unforgivable. Hmmm.. Well there's this Malay girl I bumped into while crossing the road on the way home at Admiralty. Cute, she is. Average looks. Average size. Shoulder length hair. Not so noticeable. Wearing a long skirt. Probably the kind I might want to consider asking for her name. So I tried not to pay so much attention on her, and tried humming a few riffs I kinda came up with on the train. I tried walking faster, so that I'd be way ahead of her. But she just so happened to walk quite fast. We were walking the same direction. And when she's in front of me, she kept turning back. Being a jackass not knowing what to do, I looked up to the direction of the sky, trying to look as though I was analyzing the full moon. I tried going a different direction from her, but we ended up bumping into each other again at some point of the way. And then I told myself, what if I were to ask her name, or maybe her number too.... It could be a golden opportunity. Maybe she could be the one. Heh. But I quickly came to my senses. A picture of someone suddenly appeared in my mind. I shouldn't do this, I thought. And straight away I picked up my phone and looked through those old conversations in the form of text messages that me and that someone had..

I couldn't. I can't destroy something that I've built so hard through time. I won't make that mistake again. My heart is reserved. I had to endure.. All for the sake of...

Note To Self:
out of every girl i meet
no other can compete
i'd ditch them all for a night with you..